Jan 22, 2010

And now...

#1- Did you hear? John Edwards admitted the lovechild is his. This guy gets smarmier every time he's in the news. What's worse, cheating on your cancer-sticken wife while she's going through chemo or denying the bastard is yours? Karma sure is a bitch Johnny boy, wouldn't you agree? I for one can't wait to see what's coming your way. In fact, I think I hear hell calling your name in the faint distance. Check out the story here.

#2- Did you hear? Scott Brown, the newly elected politico posed nude for Cosmo back in 1982. He pushed it aside as no big thang but personally I think any man posing nude is hugely repulsive. Okay...but seriously, consider for a moment Hillary Clinton rationalizing something like that? Imagine she posed for Maxim back in her law school days. I promise we wouldn't hear the end of it. EVER! Check out Mr. Big Boy Brown's pics on Newsweek's site here.

#3- Did you hear? Tara Reid is getting married. Yup. Now for all those people who thought they were unmarriable, I promise you, you are not. For someone to take up for a lifetime with this kookhead is pretty bold so I promise you, you...are not out of luck. Like my Grandma Hannah Rae always said, There's a lid for every pot. Check out the story here.

#4- Did you hear? There are way too many people comparing the tragedy in Haiti to Katrina. Yes, both were devastating natural disasters, but I want to be clear these two events are as different as Elisabeth Hasslenut and Cher. Just imagine half of the United States crashing down in the span of one minute. I'm talking the entire east coast and midwest obliterated in 60 seconds. That's New York City, Boston, Miami, Chicago, Atlanta, Toledo, Washington D.C. and all the farm land in between. Gone. And, not just the buildings and towns, I'm talkin' millions of people. Yes, the United States is in a recession, and yes, many of us have a lot less to work with these days, but don't we have a moral obligation to humankind to help? Click here to make a donation to the Red Cross if you're feeling generous.

#5- To end on a high note, I want to thank everyone who has visited my blog this week. I have enjoyed doing it and loved the response. Next week I'll be hosting a BIG contest that everyone and their mothers will want to win. Make sure you check back on Monday to learn how you can win! I'll give you a hint though. It involves something to the likes of leaving comments on my blog, following me, subscribing, and tweeting about Smores. The more times you do this, the more chances you'll have to win. Details to follow.

Have an amazing weekend, and don't forget to leave me a comment!

Jan 21, 2010

I'm a Big Fat Jerk...

Do you know who Jo Frost is? If you have children, you should. She's none other than the Super Nanny.

I watch her in awe as she slaps lame parents into submission leaving the whole family whipped into ship-shape-perfection.

Recently, my precious baby passionate toddler figured out that if he screams loud enough, pulls firmly enough or throws hard enough, he gets his way within seconds.

Well, giving into Oliver's demands has become quite a vicious circle. My poor toddler-negotiating skills have bitten me straight in the ass. Just like that, I've become one of those lame parents who needs the Super Nanny more than Conan needs better ratings.

So before I write to Super Nanny and invite Jo and her cameras into our home, I figured I would try out the skills she suggests on the show.

First, I ignore the screaming so I don't feed the tantrum. Second, if Oliver throws the sippy he will simply not get it back. And third, when he breaks house rules, I activate the naughty spot.

But how do I do this? Oliver is 16 months and he can't sit in one spot! So the next day I walked clear across town and bought a Pack n' Play. Then I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond, another long trek in the other direction, and purchased a kitchen timer. The whole naughty spot expedition took 2.5 hours and guess what? Oliver behaved the whole time. Not a cry, not a whine, not a tantrum.

"Hmmmm," I thought, "....What is he up to?"

When we got home I set up the Pack n' Play and timer so I would be ready for the notorious witching hour. But tonight would be different. I'm ready!

5:00pm: Oliver sat and played with his puzzles while I prepped his dinner.


6:00pm: I put him in his highchair and he ate everything nicely and neatly.


6:30pm: After dinner he happily grabbed his favorite books off the shelf and read to himself.

"What? That's it? No screaming? No pulling? No throwing? But I'm ready for you! I'm ready! I wasn't before but now I am!

Oliver was now the spitting image of a perfect child.

And, every day since the naughty spot adventure not once have I had to do anything but enjoy him.

Memo to Super Nanny: Either my child is Yoda reincarnated or you're so good that the very thought of an impending time out made Oliver behave!

Thank you Jo.

As Mr. Costner says, "If you build it, they will come."

Jan 20, 2010

My Childs First Word!

Well, here we are at an exciting juncture in my child's life.

Oliver is almost 16 months old and while he's mastered words like "Mummm" and "Dah-deee" we have been anxiously awaiting the first word that takes him beyond, well, the two of us.

And yesterday, just like that, it happened.

Out of the mouth of my babe came... "Sheeet."


Yes. Shit. My babe, my raison d'etre said, as his first real word, "sheeeet."

Over and over and over, all day long, "Sheeet. Sheeet. Sheeet."

Non stop. "Sheeet."

Each time he said "sheet," he would look at me and smile. He so wanted me to clap my hands or say, "Oh, honey! I'm so proud of you!" And, I ended up doing exactly that.

"Yayyy Oliver! Oliver said Sheet!"

Tomorrow, I just know he's going to so sweetly repeat "sheet, sheet, sheet" all day long.

I started to sweat a bit thinking of what the woman at Whole Foods would say, or how the mom's on the playground would look at me, or...yikes, his new teacher! What would she think I was teaching him?

But then I thought, hey, kids must say this crap all the time.

Fuck it.

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Jan 19, 2010

If I were someone else for a day...

So...last Saturday morning I woke up to Oliver crying loudly. It was 6am and Oliver was letting the world know he was ready to start his day. So what did I do? I clenched my eyes sooooo tight, hid underneath the covers, and ignored it.

I don't want to be a mommy today! Today, I wish and pray I am a famous actress starring on Broadway about to deliver a mind blowing Mom-o-logue about..."A Day Off."

Curtain opens and there I am standing center stage under a spotlight.

I begin:

A day off from diapers
A day off from boogers,
A day off from hardened oatmeal stains
on Oliver's pajamers.

A day off from sippy-cup parts
and little socks,
A day off from paper towels
and wooden blocks.

A long shower
complete with deep conditioner,
Maybe a hair glaze, bath oil
and Creme del la Mer moistur-izer.

I'd then put on my most pretty bra
and my kitten heels,
I'm a women you see, lest I forget,
On to Sephora for steals!

I would get a pedicure and massage,
and afterwards hit The Met.
I would cook up a great french dinner,
maybe even a souflet.

At night I'd welcome my husband home
relaxed and so carefree!
Because of my wonderful day off,
I took care of me me me!

Me, me, me, me,
me, me, me.
I took care of me,
me, me, me, me.

blah blah blah blah
me me me.
whoop de do dah,
me me me.

The end.

Audience: Clap, clap, clap. Encore! Roses all over the stage.
Me: I bow politely. Thank you! Thank you! I love you too!)

I then lifted the covers off of my head and threw my hair into a ponytail. Like the day before and the day before that I shimmied into my yoga pants and walked into Oliver's room. There he was. Standing up, smiling and...clapping!

Was this a standing ovation?

I'm no famous actress with thousands clapping for me, but there is nothing like walking into a room with dirty hair and no make up on and getting a little applause from the most important critic in the house.

What'd I do? I bowed. And then I wiped away his boogers.

What gets your Mama mojo back on track?
Leave a comment, email me, and I'll post the best ones!

Jan 18, 2010

Golden Globes Roundup.

So, last night, we decided to put the baby down early. REALLY, REALLY EARLY. Why? Because for the past 5 days Oliver's decided he doesn't want to eat and he doesn't want to sleep. He has no fever, he has no cold, he's absolutely fine. I really think he's just announcing his independence to the world. Of course, as my dear friend Nicol told me Saturday night at dinner, "Let it go for a few days, eventually he'll exhaust himself and he'll have to sleep. And, eventually he'll get hungry and he'll have to eat too." Well she was right. Not only did he scarf down a bowl full of trustee mac 'n cheese, but we put him to bed at 6pm. Yup, you heard me, 6pm.

With all that time what did I do?
I watched the Golden Globes.
And here are my thoughts:

REALLY BADLY Dressed Women:
1-Patricia Arquette (WTF!)
2-Kate Hudson (Face looked great, that dress was BAD)
3-Elisabeth Moss (Yikes. She needs to find a stylist fast!)
4-Nicole Kidman (hated the dress)
6-Julianne Moore (the dress was like a trash bag with ruffles at the top!)

2-Christina Aguillara
3-Anna Paquin
4-Jane Lynch
5-Calista Flockhart (you need serious help lady...really sad...)

1-Emily Blunt (Did I say gorgeous!)
2-Penelope Cruz (You're forever my hollywood girl crush!)
3-Glenn Close (Bravo Grandma!)
4-Marion Cotillards (That is one tough look to pull off and I think you do!)
5-Julia Roberts (love how fresh she looked and loved the hair and necklace!)

1-Mike Tyson (duh)
2-Mickey Rourke (not really a shocker either)
3-George Clooney (The beard made him look like a logger)
4-Taylor Lautner (I'm def Team Vampire after this huge faux pas!!)

1-Adrian Grenier (cutie!)
2-John Krasinski (aww, he looks so happy!)
3-Mathew Morrison (smmooooth!)
4-Chase Crawford (It's annoying for me to compliment him.)
5-Steve Carell

1-Will Arnett and Amy Poehler
2-Jennifer Westfeldt and Jon Hamm

I know the lists are uneven, but hey. They're just my thoughts. And, you can see all the pics and agree with me at this link.

Do you think Oliver will wake up at 4am raring to start his day? I really hope and pray the whole "sleep begets sleep" theory works. Otherwise tomorrow he's going to have a rough day at pre-pre-school come morning. One things for sure...I'll be letting you know. And yes Nicol, I'm talking to you.