Feb 20, 2009

And now...

Last week's "Week in Review" was a hit! Thank you to everyone who chimed in the discussion! I loved hearing your thoughts, even if you disagreed with me, and if there's anything I missed let me know.

This week proved to be no slacker in terms of hot topics so lets get bitching started!

#1 Travis the Chimpanzee:
In case you haven't heard, the famous chimp from the Old Navy commercials attacked a woman in Connecticut. She is currently listed in critical condition having suffered life-altering injuries. Travis's owner raised the monkey like her own child and was completely devastated by what occurred. While I don't doubt her sincerity and feelings of remorse, anyone can see just how truly insane heartbroken she is, I do seriously doubt her judgment on many levels. First of all, who has a chimp for a pet? Isn't that against some kind of law? Monkeys are wild animals. Key word being "wild." Second, the chimp had recently contracted Lyme disease and the owner decided to treat the monkey by putting a Xanax in his morning tea. Sure, giving your monkey the Xanax prescribed for you is totally bizarro, but I find it hilarious that the Chimp drinks morning tea! What is he, British? Apparently 5 minutes after he drank the roofied-tea he went insane. Go figure. It is also weird to me that her neighbors never called the authorities. If a 200-pound monkey who can drive a car lived next to me I promise you I would phone it in. Okay, so Travis could draw his own bath and even pick out his own clothes. I'm sure I could train a giraffe brush my hair, but you don't see me raising one in my apartment. If I want to see a wild animal, I'll go to the zoo thank you very much.

#2 Facebook's Policy Change:
Even if George Bush doesn't listen to the people, at least we know Facebook does. The Today Show, The View and ABC World News Tonight all reported on Facebook's policy change. And, thousands of people responded by petitioning online and canceling their accounts not me, I have over 500 friends. Well, the next morning, Facebook cracked under the pressure. Elizabeth Hasselbarf took personal credit for the change in policy. She's so delusional. Good job peeps! Way to band together! But the sorry truth is, if you post anything on Facebook, I promise you it will never be "private." Come on, the internet has been around for over a decade. If you think Facebook's policy reversal protects your photos, status updates, wall postings and info, you really shouldn't be allowed near a computer.

#3 Flight 3407 to Buffalo:
There are so many heartbreaking aspects to this story: the timing being so soon after the Hudson miracle landing, the 50 lost souls, the home that was destroyed... but to me the most heartbreaking thing was what the NTSB found during their search to find out why, why, why this happened. The authorities blamed the pilot's lack of both judgment and experience. This may be true but it makes me cry for not just the pilot's legacy, I certainly don't want "incompetence" written on my tombstone, but also for his family who is mourning him. Don't you think the pilot did absolutely everything in his power to save the lives of everyone on board including his own? Unfortunately the weather, the plane and other circumstances outwitted him. I pray someone mentions the good he did during his lifetime instead of solely focusing on the fatal mistake he made during the last minute of his life. He was after all, human.

#4 The Post's Cartoon:
On Wednesday the Post ran a cartoon where two policemen gun down a chimpanzee. The caption read "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus plan." People were outraged because they found it racist. Umm well duh...people reacted that way because it was truly as racist as it gets! I stand in agreement with the protesters outside the Post's headquarters. In fact, I'd be standing in line with them if I didn't have a 4 month old at home to watch. How on Earth could the Post run such an obscene cartoon! Memo to the Post: You're just as bad as Fox news, maybe worse.

#5 Oliver's First Tooth:
I see my babe's first tooth! It is currently at the gum line and while it could take days or weeks for it to become a full fledged tooth, I'm just so giddy to see it! I want to put my baby in a shoebox and keep him teeny forever. He's already growing up too fast! As far as I'm concerned, this is the most important news story of them all!

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Feb 19, 2009

Dreaming in chocolate...

While my parents were visiting last week they so nicely brought countless, classic candy bars from their hotel and gave them to Brett and I to help us bulk up our sorry stash of junk food. While this doesn't help me lose my last ten pounds of pregnancy weight, it will help me quench the pangs of a hard-core chocolate craving.

Brett was traveling last night and I felt an incredible urge to crack into some form, any form, of chocolate. And because of my parents, I had so many fun choices...Charleston Chew, Skor, Clark Bar...and that's when I saw it...Sky Bar.

I actually had never seen one before. It's by Necco...the same company that makes those god awful Necco Wafers. For all you Sky Bar novices, it is a 4-piece candy bar. And, each piece has it's own flavor...Carmel, Vanilla, Peanut and Fudge. I'm happy to report it's amazing! Now that I'm hooked, where am I going to find another! It's not like they sell them at Duane Reade!

It's very rare I sit down and actually eat a whole candy bar. Very, very rare. In fact, I don't even remember the last time I bought a candy bar. There's truly nothing out there that actually appeals to me. Anytime I buy candy, I buy the bite-size bag and stash the whole bag in my freezer because chocolate tastes best when it's ice cold. Especially a Snickers.

They do not make candy like they used to. The sugar candies used to come in beautiful tin containers, Sugar Daddy Pops took hours to finish, and Fruit Stripe Gum bursted with flavor! Remember the bubble gum cigars and gum cigarettes? First you'd puff the powder off and then you'd chew the gum. What fun we had pretending to smoke! Can you imagine kids eating those today? No chance of that happening.

I can't wait to take Oliver to the candy store. I wonder if he'll be a sugar person or a chocolate person. In the meantime, if anyone knows where to find Sky Bars, let me know. Brett's traveling next week and I have a feeling I'm going to have a craving!

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Feb 18, 2009

Gotta love mornings...

Sunday, we woke up to find Oliver perpendicular in his crib.
Apparently this is his new favorite position.
We think he's practicing "standing."

On Monday, we woke up to find Oliver cracking up.
What is it that's making him laugh so darn hysterically?
We have not a clue.

On Tuesday morning he was sleeping like this.
How is this comfortable?

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Feb 17, 2009

My cleaning lady Francesca...

My cleaning lady has gotten a little too comfortable.

A of all: She moved her start time from 7:30AM to 8:30AM. Fine. I let that go because it actually gives me an extra hour in the morning to chill out with my babe.

B of all: After she takes off her shoes and coat, instead of grabbing the mop and broom she runs right over to Oliver and coos with him. I let this go too because I thought it was sweet. But as of late 2 minutes of cooing became 5 minutes. Then 5 minutes became 10 minutes. And last week, I kid you not, she cooed for a half an hour all the while telling me how she wanted to have kids of her own but her body would not let her, how she's now too old, how her husband was just laid off, how her mother is dying back in Mexico, and how if she had a baby she wouldn't be so stressed out and...I'm sorry but TMI. (mom: that means Too Much Information.) I'm thinking to myself, "Francesca, I'm so sorry for your stresses but really, you're my cleaning lady. I've got a handle on my baby. What I don't have a handle on is my kitchen floor. So maybe now's a good time to grab that Soft Scrub."

C of all: She asked me if she could borrow a shirt of mine to clean in. Apparently she brought her cleaning shirt home the week before and forgot to bring it back. My mother is going to die when she hears I actually lent her one. I couldn't have her cleaning my apartment in the huge turtleneck sweater she wore, right?

D of all: I put Oliver down for his morning nap and was excited to use the half-hour to catch up with my girl Martha Stewart. (I know she's dry and condescending as all hell, but I've taken a real liking to her.) During this time Francesca cleans out my refrigerator. She hollers from the kitchen that my milk is bad. "Fine," I yell back, "throw it out." Then she hollers that my bananas are rotten. "Fine," I yell back, "throw them out." Do I really need to "approve" everything? If the bananas are black, toss'em!

E of all: Seeing as it was almost 60 degrees out, I threw Oliver in the stroller and off we went to the park. I didn't want him to be breathing in the fumes once Francesca got going on the bathroom. She doesn't usually leave until around 2, but when we came in the door at 12:30, there was Francesca putting her shoes on. Huh? I was a little shocked and clearly so was she. She hurriedly said goodbye and was out the door.

After a moment it hit me.

She just walked out of here wearing my old crappy shirt, carrying a jug of milk in her right hand and holding a few bananas in her left!

It's come to the end of the line for Francesca.

Feb 16, 2009

Stupid stupid purchase...

I really love to cook. And, the past six months I've taken it to a new level. Every Sunday morning while doing laundry I pour over my cookbooks and decide the week's menu. I make my grocery list accordingly and then skip joyfully to the store, eager to squeeze and smell all the potential vegetables, fruits and and meats. (No, I don't squeeze the meats.)

Well, Oliver is now 4.5 months old. And this past week, I've noticed whenever I eat or drink anything he stares at me with huge and curious eyes. It's almost like he's saying, "Heeeey Mama...Gimme some eggs! Hand me some chicken! Toss me some carrots!" In fact, he looks at me so longingly that I've started to feel badly eating in front of him. So, last Thursday I asked Oliver's pediatrician if I could give him some food. He's clearly showing an interest and let's face it, the taste of milk 24/7 has got to be getting old by now. In a word, he told me no. Apparently a baby shouldn't eat solids until they're 6 months old because their digestive system just isn't ready yet. He told me the longer I waited, the healthier his gut would be. Okay. Fine. I can totally wait.

But that doesn't mean I can't prepare.

This past weekend, Brett, Oliver and I went to look at high chairs. We're now deciding between the Stokke Tripp Trap and the Svan High Chair. Both chairs are modern looking and can be pulled up to the dinner table so we can eat as a family. After high chairs I browsed for sippy cups and baby spoons. And that's when I spotted a cookbook called Top 100 Baby Purees. Well, I thought, this is a fantastic idea! I'll totally make Oliver's food. How hard could it be? I must get this book!

Well, I'm pissed.

Once again, I feel like the marketers of the baby universe have convinced me to buy yet another totally stupid and unnecessary item. (Don't get me started on the organic mattress I bought for Oliver's crib. It weights 5000 lbs and has become the biggest pain in the ass I've ever dealt with in my life.)

I actually spent money on a cookbook that has recipes like this:


Mash a small banana with a fork.

Add a little milk.


Cut a small avocado in half.
Take out pit.

Add a little milk.


Cut in half.
Take out seeds.
Add Milk.

The kicker was this one:

Banana, Avacado and Papaya:
1/2 banana
1/2 Avacado
1/2 Papaya
Mash all together.
Add a little milk.

REALLY??? Fine. Those are the no-cook recipes...but the carrot one is basically the same thing:


Peel and chop 4-6 carrots.

Steam for 15-20 minutes.
Put in blender and puree.
Add a little milk to desired consistency.

To be fair, those are baby's first foods. So obvioulsy I'm not adding spices like basil or rosemary or doing anything crazy. These recipes WILL probably taste better and be more economical than the mushy bland crap baby food sold at grocery stores. But really? Someone wrote and published a cookbook with those recipes? Can someone please get me the number of Random House? I'd like to publish a book on how to change a diaper. I see it going something like this:


1- Put baby on changing table.

2- Take old diaper off.

3- Wipe baby's behind.
4- Put on new diaper.

I may have to wait a month and a half to prove my culinary prowess to Oliver, but in the meantime, I'm going to continue practicing my brownie recipe on Brett and myself.

The cookbook's getting returned today.

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