Jun 28, 2009

Shocker.

This week has been tough. The rain kept us indoors for hours at a time. Nothing will make a baby and a Mama more stir crazy than looking at the same toys for hours on end. So when the sun came out on Thursday I decided to straighten my hair, put on a dress, and head to the park.

We left at 11:30am. From 11:45 to 12:45 we were playing in the sand, practicing pulling up, and going down the slide. Who could have known what was happening at home.

At 1:00pm I was minutes away from putting Oliver down for a well deserved nap. As always I opened the door, guided the stroller in, and pulled Oliver out and into my arms.

Having just recently experienced diaper rash for the first time I know you can't change diapers often enough. As I walked towards Oliver's room to change him I noticed the bathroom door was open. Hmm. I thought it was closed when I left. I kept walking.

Next I noticed tons of change and perfume samples scattered on the floor. Huh. Strong wind gusts must have knocked over something...but wait...I turned the corner and looked into my room and saw all the contents of my dresser including the drawers on the floor.

SHIT.
PANIC.
SOMEONES BEEN IN HERE.
ARE THEY STILL HERE?
GET OUT NOW.
RUN.

With Oliver still in my arms I run towards the door and with all my might try to open the door. But I can't. It's stuck. No matter how hard I try, I cannot open the door. It's stuck on something and won't open. That's when I see the living room. The storage trunk is flipped over and everything is dumped onto the floor.

LET ME OUT.
I CANT GET OUT.
IS THE PERSON STILL IN HERE?
SHIT.
SHIT.
LET ME OUT!

I call the super since he works in the building and always answers. He answers on the first ring and I scream into the phone my apartment number, that I'm stuck, and we've been burglarized. Within two minutes he's cracking open my door with a crowbar.

WE'RE SAFE.
OLIVER IS SAFE.
I AM SAFE.

The next five hours consist of policemen taking statements, detectives checking video surveillance, and forensics taking fingerprints off the mirrors. Also during this time we begin to realize all that's been stolen which consisted of nothing out of the ordinary... except for my perfume.

The most unnerving thing (there are many unnerving things about this) is that this was clearly an inside job. We live in a doorman building and there are 24 surveillance cameras throughout the building. Also, our apartment is on a rather high floor. This asshole took the stairs to get in and out. Why wouldn't they try the lower floors? And finally, I don't keep a regular schedule, I keep a baby's schedule. I was gone for an hour and a half and someone had to have been watching me and known exactly which apartment I live in.

The good thing is we were not home. The good thing is all material things can be replaced. The good thing is Oliver is okay. The bad thing is the memory, the loss of trust and sense of safety.

We put bats under our bed should we ever need them in the middle of the night.

My purpose in writing this is not to scare anyone, rather to raise awareness that even when we think we live in safe areas with locks on our doors and doormen acting as gatekeepers to our privacy you must always be on top of your security.

Please be safe and aware. Knowledge is power.

Jun 16, 2009

Obviously...

I have 7 friends that are pregnant and they keep asking me for advice. Obviously they should buy tons of burp cloths and diapers, and obviously they should test drive different strollers. Not-so-obviously, they should take everything from their hospital room that isn't nailed down. Mostly though, I tell them to sit back and enjoy the ride. They'll figure it out, every mom does...obviously.

Having a baby is incredible, shocking and miraculous. This might should like it should be obvious too. But for me, it wasn't.

I found pregnancy, labor and the months that followed incredible because of the straight-up physicality it involved. The toll it takes is a hefty one. Your back, abs and brain permanently change. You will never feel stronger or more impressed with your body than during this time. Anytime you feel doubt, remind yourself that you. gave. birth.

The very fact that I grew a human being is shocking. This isn't a news flash to scientists, but one minute he was inside of me and the next minute we were breathing the same air. I marvel at how he merely exists. Now that we're in his 8th month of life I watch him take on new challenges daily. He pulled up to a stand position three days ago and my heart skipped a beat. He says Da-Da all day long and he has learned to mash food with his gums. I know every baby masters these mundane tasks, but when they happen to you it's immediately blog and facebook-status worthy.

Miraculous. This is the way my soul feels when I hold Oliver and he cuddles into the nook between my chin and shoulder. And the anticipation to be with him grows day by day, minute by minute, and is at times overwhelming. Tears of joy flow freely in our small apartment. My heart is full and I have never known such pride, peace and contentment.

So, my advice for my dear pregger friends is the same advice passed down by generations: Hold tight to every moment...obviously.

Jun 10, 2009

New York Crazy

Dear New York City,

Really. Enough is enough. During past 9 months you have exhausted me.

1-Lets discuss the whole United Nations business last September. You really had to host a 2 week summit and invite every world leader here during the exact time I went into labor? I would have given birth in a taxi had it not been for a police escort and ambulance that rescued us.

2-How about after bringing my baby home from the hospital Lehman Brothers closes and the stock market's bottom falls out? Really New York? I still can't walk anywhere near the Citi building even though it stands on the most popular street in Tribeca. The police surround it daily and yesterday the bomb squad was out full force. Perfect conditions for a neighborhood stroll.

3-New York, do you realize I am used to the sound of helicopters? That's because they hover over my head ALL the time. First the hovering was because a certain miracle plane landed in the Hudson due west of our apartment. Then they hovered because Bernie Madoff was sentenced in court exactly due east. And 3 weeks ago, they hovered because the Obama's were going on a date. Funny, I was on a date too, but couldn't focus because of the sniper hanging out of the helicopter.

4-Now that JT and Jessica live in the hood, I assume we'll be seeing more than the usual annoying paparazzi. Fine, we see celebs at Whole Foods, at Pizza stands and in the park but seriously paparazzi, let them be. This way, you'll be letting me be too.

5-New York kids are weird. I grew up having lemonade stands that consisted of me buying crappy lemonade and selling it for 5 cents a cup on my front lawn. If I made 3 dollars, I was psyched. New York kids also set up lemonade stands. Not in their front lawn because they all grow up in apartments. These kids stand outside of Whole Foods and charge a dollar for a cup of crappy lemonade, $5 for a french pastry, and $10 dollars for a violin solo. Huh?

You never cease to shock and amaze me. Maybe you can give me a break and make this a chill summer. I really need one. Thanks New York. I appreciate it.

xo,
Alexis

Jun 3, 2009

My little big boy...

My gym, Equinox, has a kids club. This means that for a small fee I can have 3 or 4 women play with my baby for 2 hours while I exercise-off my last 20 10 pounds. I've known about this feature for months now, but since Oliver is so attached to me I dreaded leaving him with anyone else for fear he would go bonkers. Instead I've been speed walking the West Side Highway and the Brooklyn Bridge with Oliver in his stroller. Needless to say, this hasn't done the job and my skinny jeans are mocking me.

I decided it's time to get serious. And serious means the gym. And the gym means the kids club. And the kids club means Oliver could go bonkers.

The next morning, I woke up and immediately threw on my gym clothes so I would have no excuses. After Oliver's 9am nap, we headed over and I got the scoop. No sick kids, no kids under 3 months, and no diaper changes. If there's a code brown, they give you a pager and beep you so that you can do the honors.

Easy enough. I unstrap Oliver from the stroller and his eyes bug out of his face when he sees all the kids playing and all the toys on the floor. He's clearly psyched.

I sit him down on the floor and the women say "Okay!"
I look at them and say "Okay."
They look at me and and say "Okay?"
I look at them and say "O-Okay..."
They look at me, reach out a hand to my shoulder and say, "It will be okay."
I look at them and say "Okay."
I turn and leave quickly because I'm mortified it is not Oliver going bonkers, it's me.

PATHETIC!

See, it wasn't that Oliver wasn't crying that in turn made me cry. It was that this was such a big boy thing to do. He was so mature! So adult like!

Of course, as I write this, he's crying in his room because he does not want to nap. What a baby.

May 31, 2009

Weekend at the Park

After a long work week, it's no surprise that Daddys run to the park on Saturdays and Sundays with their children to catch up on missed fun. And Mommys run to the salons to get manicured and highlighted.

Daddys get down and dirty in the grass and mud. They ride in the choo-choo and dig holes to China in the sandbox. Hells bells, they even hoist baby onto their shoulders so the highest branches can be reached.

There is nothing Daddys won't do for their offspring.

I think it's all pretty sweet.

I also think it's amazing. Physically amazing. You see, most of these Daddys happen to be in their mid-50's. I've not the faintest idea how they toss and flip and bend and jump over and over at their toddler's whim! They certainly don't look like they're in shape. They're overweight, gray-haired wine drinkers, yet they give little Johnny the best horsey ride of his life.

We are lucky we live in a time where medically speaking miracles are possible. I am 100% in favor of however and whenever you want to have a family.

The takeaway from this is not that these men are fathering children in their 50s, but rather that these daddy's are fully engaged despite their age.

Keep rockin' it Da-Da.

May 26, 2009

I'm back!

Sometimes we need to stop and smell the flowers.

And well, that's exactly what I've been doing. A co-worker turned friend told me that kids grow up so fast that if you don't stop and enjoy it, you might miss it. She said she almost missed it with her second and fully got to enjoy it with her third.

Well, that's what I've been doing. And frankly, this has been the best time of my entire life.

At 8 months old, Oliver has grown leaps and bounds. He is inch-worming across the floor, babbling his brains out and this past Sunday he figured out how to get himself into a sitting position. I know it sounds cheesy, but watching a baby grow up is nothing short of a miracle.

I love him so much I miss him when he naps.

Blah, blah, blah you say. Everyone who has a baby feels the same way... Well, I realize this.

When I see other Mama's in the park ooo-ing and ahh-ing over their baby's every move, half of me gets annoyed because Oliver is so obviously the best child in the park, but the other half knows I'm sharing this precious time with a world of women who are all rich in pearls of wisdom.

So, in the name of women, I say keep on raising those kiddies and gushing. And enjoy watching them flowers grow.

Mar 13, 2009

TGIF!

Well, it has been a slow/fast week for me. I mean slow because I left my brain in St. Thomas. I mean fast because besides bumping into Jennifer Connelly at Whole Foods time passed me by this week. I got very little done and yet I am exhausted.

It sounds insane but Oliver is holding a major grudge against Brett and I for leaving the beach and coming back to NYC. Oliver, usually a fabulous sleeper, decided to fully wake up at 4 am and scream straight through until 7am. Nothing was wrong with him at all. I checked. He was dry, he wasn't hungry, he wasn't teething, he just wanted to play. We, seeing as it was 4 in the morning, just wanted to sleep. We are believers in Ferberization, so I had to grab my pillow and blanket and sleep on the couch because my heart can't bear the crying. And that's the story behind the scoreboard.

Doublebanker: You win my contest. Not only were you funny, but you were also the first to respond. I appreciate the support! You rock!

Nicole: Totally possible. In fact, I think Oliver wants to crawl so badly that when he realizes he can't he gets truly frustrated. Once he gets going we're in big trouble!

Porkstar- though your funny, you're sick.

Mom- I can't wait to see you next week!

So without a moment further, here is the week in review.
Please agree with me comment away.


1- Bernie Madoff: I want to be clear. This guy is a complete crook and should rot in jail for robbing people blind. But I do not understand why sooooo many intelligent people put every cent of theirs in one place. Haven't they heard the term diversify? Have they ever heard of banks? Bonds? When investing in the market, you're supposed to be aggressive when you're young, and grow conservative over the years. I hate Madoff for ripping off so many older people who were convinced they didn't know better when they really did. I also hate him because he ruined my morning walk yesterday because my neighborhood was filled with helicopters from every news station, reporters asking passerby's their thoughts, and angry victims waiting for the judges sentence.

2- Rhianna and her beater boyfriend: I don't know how else to say this, so pardon my french. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE SHE WENT BACK TO HIM. Yes, they are both kids. (He's 19 and she's 21.) But I swear if any guy I ever dated laid a hand on me, not only would he be less two balls but I would never EVER go back to him. What's just as pathetic is there is a poll out saying many female high school students think RiRi deserved to be beat up because she probably said something to set him off. WTF! Where are her friends, managers and family telling her NO NO NO? Memo to Mama's: Teach your daughters to have self-esteem.

3-The Best Revenge: Melissa did a fabulous job stepping in for Nancy O'Dell on Dancing with the Stars. What's his name and big-eyed Molly are soooo green with envy. Though I'm not sure what Melissa will do after hanging out with a bunch of d-listers, at least she looks fantastic and feels better after such a public humiliation. I hope she wins.

4-Fun Fact: This is the second month in a row that we have a Friday the 13th!


Have a wonderful weekend!
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Mar 11, 2009

Scoreboard competition...


Think you're funny? Prove it.

1: Come up with a hilarious story explaining the picture above.
2: Post it in the comments section below.

You could win a million dollars the satisfaction
of being the funniest person in the blogosphere.

I wish I had something to giveaway, but mainly,
I'm looking to laugh my ass off.

I'll announce the winner and their winning caption
next Tuesday with a shout out to their blog.

Don't be shy!

Mar 10, 2009

And we're back...

It never ceases to amaze me how much your ass life changes when you have a baby. In fact, there really isn't a single aspect of life that remains the same. Sure, you still shower, sleep, watch television, talk to friends and take vacations but how you accomplish these things changes entirely.

For example, I shower in 4 minutes flat, sleep with one eye open, watch television on fast forward and talk to friends after 8 pm. But these things pale in comparison to how much our vacations have changed.

Previous vacations had revelry sounding around 11am give or take an hour. Not anymore. This vacation, we rose at 7am as we have every day for the past 5 months.

Brett and I used to bake in the sun from noon to 2pm. This vacation we hung out in our suite playing scrabble while Oliver napped from noon to 2pm.

Usually I swim all day in peaceful solitude in the ocean. This time, I hung out with other moms at the kiddie pool in knee-high water dishing diaper stores.

Brett and I have taken some spectacular vacations. And despite the dramatic changes in our lives, it was the best vacation I've ever taken. I laughed out loud seeing Oliver in his sunglasses and bathing suit and I cherished introducing him to the sand and water.

I can't wait until our next one!

Mar 2, 2009

See you in 7

I'm leaving the mainland and going on blogcation.

While in the sun I plan on getting persepective, gaining inspiration and chugging a few thousand daiquiris taking Oliver swimming in the ocean.

Have a fabulous week and I can't wait to reconnect with all my bloggy friends next week!

Besos,

-Mama S'mores

Feb 27, 2009

And now...


And without wasting another minute, let's delve right into this week's juiciness! 

Remember to comment!  If you don't take part in the conversation, you're not allowed to have an opinion.

1: Heath Ledger's Oscar win: Did you see Batman? I did. Heath's performance was so far above and beyond any of my expectations. It was genius. I cried my eyes out when his family accepted the Oscar on behalf of Matilda. My heart weeps for his baby when she realizes how he overdosed and threw his life away amazingly talented and loved her daddy was.

2: Obama addresses congress:  Less than halfway through his first 100 days in office Obama hosted a non-official state of the union. Wowsah does this President have kahoonahs made of steal  guts! I don't think anyone else but Obama could deliver such shitty news in a more positive way. I wish I had his gift. I kept wondering through the entire address how Georgie-poo must have felt watching from his living room in the state you couldn't pay me to live in  Texas. Everytime Obama emphasized how irresponsible and glutenous the previous government had acted do you think Georgie-poo felt any pangs of vomit guilt? He should. After all, he did break the world have a just a bit to do with where we are now.

3: Octo-mom: I am seriously so sick of hearing about this woman I can hardly believe I'm giving her a place in this list. The bright side to this story is that the hospital is now deciding whether or not they can ethically allow Whacko Nadia to bring home all the babies. She must be able to prove she can care for them in addition to her other 6 children. After seeing how she keeps her pig sty home that could very well be impossible. It's laughable she has refused network interviews yet accepts a sit down with fake doctor for psychos Dr. Phil. Can we just stop giving her attention? I promise this is the last time I mention her.

4: Slumdog Kids:  Those adorable kids from the movie Slumdog Millionaire were handpicked from the slums of India by director Danny Boyle to play childhood versions of the movie's main characters. During the 30 days they shot their part for the movie they received a small daily stipend for their services. Well, yesterday the kiddies returned to India and were received by thousands of slumdogs as national heros. Danny Boyle and the Indian government have jointly financed the kiddies education at an exclusive private school. And when they turn 18 they will have access to a trust fund that Boyle has set up on their behalf.  That's such exploitation great. Very after the fact noble. I can't decide if it's because the film has brought in over $100 million I'm not even including potential DVD and soundtrack sales  or because it won the Oscar for best picture that made Boyle so generous. If Millionaire didn't win would Boyle have let those kids return to the slum? Did he not learn anything after shooting there? Sure it's nice that they'll now have an education, but how about health care, allowance and a year-long trip to Disney World for them and their famlies to go along with it?

5: The National Defishit: Umm. Need I say more? Just how many zero's is in a trillion? TGIFF.  

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Feb 26, 2009

Slow down, you move to fast...

When planning to have kids, there's a ton of things people tell you: being pregnant is fun, giving birth blows, and when you see you're baby for the first time you'll fall in love harder than you ever thought possible.

There's also a ton of things people don't tell you. Well, I'm not going to spoil the fun for all you parents-to-be out there, but I will share with you the one word that has forced me to reconsider my entire life and the way I conduct it. Epidural. Patience.

You see, I am not a patient person by nature not by a long shot.

I've been in advertising for ten years which is a lick-ity split, chop-chop, make-it-happen industry. I've split my adult years living in Chicago and New York which are hardly epicenters for zen-minded people. When I want food, I get it delivered in 10 minutes. When I want to watch a movie, I order it On-Demand. When I want to shop, I walk 5 minutes to Soho or I log onto shopbop.com. There is simply no reason to be patient. 

Patience, according to Webster's online Dictionary means:  bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint.

Since having Oliver, I've realized patience is the single most important quality a parent can have and also the single hardest quality to maintain. I'm not just talking patience when your baby has colic. That's cake.

I'm talking patience when you have the flu and you have to get up at 3am to comfort your teething baby despite your head ready to explode from snot. 

I'm talking patience when putting together crazy toys like exe-saucers and jumpers with all the buttons, batteries, straps and springs. 

I'm talking patience while in the grocery store checkout line and your baby decides to leave you a smelly, little treasure in his diaper. 

I'm talking patience when getting peed on right before you're about to go out for the night. 

I'm talking patience with every person and their mother who has an opinion on everything you do. 

I've gotten loads better than I used to be which isn't hard considering I had none to begin with. Today, I make dinner and marinate chicken over night. I let people pass me while walking down the street. And, after asking people how they're doing, I actually listen to the answer. I just don't see the point always being in such a hurry. 

I've got a few precious years with Oliver and I figure it's more than okay to simply take my time.  

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Thank you Oliver for teaching me the true meaning of patience. If it wasn't for you, life could have, and probably would have, passed me by.

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Feb 25, 2009

Dreaming of dreaming...

This isn't going to be my best posting.  

My brain hurts, my body is weak and I'm starving because I was too tired to cook dinner.

You see last night, if you lived in the apartment next door to us, you would have wanted to kick our asses had real sympathy for Brett and me.

In short, at barely 5 months, Oliver is sprouting teeth.  

And, to make a painful situation even worse, he's getting both bottom-front teeth at the same time. The right one broke the gum line last Friday, and the left one began to rear its ugly head on Sunday morning. I always knew he is the best, cutest, sweetest and smartest baby in the entire solar system is an over-achiever but this is crazy!

Unfortunately for Brett and I, teething means we're back to sleepless nights. This is particularly bad news for me because I require 9 hours of sleep a night to  have clear skin function as a polite and decent member of society. If I'm sleep deprived I can keep it together for Oliver, but I can't promise if you bump into me on the street I'll be civil. I might even curse you out. But it's really not my fault so I apologize in advance.

There isn't much we can do beyond the teething rings, washcloths in the freezer, and using our own knuckles as chew toys. I'm hoping it's a fast process. As is the random asshole who bumps into me on the street.

I'd like to give a special shout out to Jill at Scary Mommy who suggested I try mini-frozen bagels to help soothe my little man. She has a fantastic blog that I look forward to reading every day!

Feb 24, 2009

Have picture, will travel...

I accidentally let my Passport expire last May.

It was the worst timing because I was 5 months pregnant with Oliver when I realized. The last thing I wanted was to have a fat-faced pregnant picture prove my citizenship for the next ten years, so I waited. I waited 8 months. My face only got more beautiful fatter the last 4 months of pregnancy and I had to wait at least 4 months to once again see my chin and cheekbones.

Now that the bloat finally disappeared and more importantly now that we're going to St. Thomas next Monday, I really needed to renew my passport. I blew out my hair, put on some lip gloss and dressed in a solid colored, v-neck top. Suddenly I was yearbook picture ready. On my way there I called my mom surprise, surprise. She asked if I was getting Oliver a passport picture too. Well hello! I completely forgot about Oliver! Luckily, he's a natural beauty and wouldn't need a blow-out or gloss to look fabulous. I was also lucky that he was in a smiley mood.

At the picture place, I went first. After eight a few tries I had eeeeked out a passable picture. Then it was Oliver's turn. I don't know what happened, but as soon as he took one look at the photographer his smiley-ness went right out the window. He was a sketchy man and babies can definitely sense sketchy people. Anyway, we got the picture. Not his best by a long shot, but it will have to do. I figure it'll provide good entertainment when I show it to his fiance when he's older and we can all get a good laugh:


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Feb 23, 2009

Looking good, or not...

To know me is to know how much I love movies. Even though Godfather, Amelie, Airplane and Annie Hall are my all time favorites, I can literally watch any movie a million times over. I love the actors, the plots, the sets. I love Brad Pitt the magic.

The Oscars is a show I look forward to every year because I have accurately predicted the winner in most categories for several years now. But, this year is different. I'm a new mom. And as a new mom, I haven't seen a single Oscar nominated film. New moms don't have time to go to the movies. New moms watch old movies on HBO, Showtime and Bravo.

But this doesn't mean I can't take part in the red carpet, pre-show activities. Here's my wrap-up of the 5 people who I thought rocked the fashion world and the 5 people who should be ashamed of themselves.

We'll start off with the worst dressed because I think I should end all my blogs with positivity:

PLEASE HIRE A STYLIST:

1- Vanessa Hudgens
. That mermaid dress made her look like a bitch witch and not all that fashion-saavy. Her loser boyfriend could have used a haircut too.

2- Anne Hathaway. I don't know if she's a vampire what it is about her but she scares me. She's so freakishly pale. If she's allergic to sunlight Vitamin D can't she get a spray tan or something?

3- Mickey Rourke. Seriously? Are you trying to ruin your life again? I don't care how awesomely you might have "acted" in your movie that I'll never pay to see, I hate you.

4- Philip Seymor Hoffman. Is he trying to steal "worst dressed" from Mickey?

5- Miley Cyrus. I'm so sad for her. She's such a cute girl who means well, but she accidentally dressed up like a disco ball.

Honorable Mention for Tackiness:

ABC Network: Really? You had to cut to a shot of Brad and Angie while Jen was presenting? And twice? Double Tacky. Shame on you.

YOU'RE PERFECT:

1- Heidi Klum. Her jewelry alone had me drooling like my babe Oliver. He's getting his first tooth so let me tell you, that's a lot of drool.

2-Robert Downey Jr. I never, ever, ever thought I'd say this, but he looked mighty handsome.

3- Natalie Portman. She's just so fresh and lovely.

4- Angelina. Breathtaking. It's very possible, however, that it's all downhill for her after last night. I mean, she had to have "peaked" last night because a human can't get much more gorgeous than that. For most of us mere mortals, "peaking" happens in high school or college. At least Angie hit her peak working the red carpet, hoping for an Oscar, mothering 14 6 children all while being married to Brad Pitt and in fabulous earrings. I can't wait to see how ugly she's going to get.

5-Kate Winslet. Wonderful, eloquent and elegant.

Honorable Mentions:

Marissa Tomei: Loved the dress, but didn't think the overall picture was enough to crack my top 5.

Thoughts? Did I miss anyone?

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Feb 20, 2009

And now...

Last week's "Week in Review" was a hit! Thank you to everyone who chimed in the discussion! I loved hearing your thoughts, even if you disagreed with me, and if there's anything I missed let me know.

This week proved to be no slacker in terms of hot topics so lets get bitching started!

#1 Travis the Chimpanzee:
In case you haven't heard, the famous chimp from the Old Navy commercials attacked a woman in Connecticut. She is currently listed in critical condition having suffered life-altering injuries. Travis's owner raised the monkey like her own child and was completely devastated by what occurred. While I don't doubt her sincerity and feelings of remorse, anyone can see just how truly insane heartbroken she is, I do seriously doubt her judgment on many levels. First of all, who has a chimp for a pet? Isn't that against some kind of law? Monkeys are wild animals. Key word being "wild." Second, the chimp had recently contracted Lyme disease and the owner decided to treat the monkey by putting a Xanax in his morning tea. Sure, giving your monkey the Xanax prescribed for you is totally bizarro, but I find it hilarious that the Chimp drinks morning tea! What is he, British? Apparently 5 minutes after he drank the roofied-tea he went insane. Go figure. It is also weird to me that her neighbors never called the authorities. If a 200-pound monkey who can drive a car lived next to me I promise you I would phone it in. Okay, so Travis could draw his own bath and even pick out his own clothes. I'm sure I could train a giraffe brush my hair, but you don't see me raising one in my apartment. If I want to see a wild animal, I'll go to the zoo thank you very much.

#2 Facebook's Policy Change:
Even if George Bush doesn't listen to the people, at least we know Facebook does. The Today Show, The View and ABC World News Tonight all reported on Facebook's policy change. And, thousands of people responded by petitioning online and canceling their accounts not me, I have over 500 friends. Well, the next morning, Facebook cracked under the pressure. Elizabeth Hasselbarf took personal credit for the change in policy. She's so delusional. Good job peeps! Way to band together! But the sorry truth is, if you post anything on Facebook, I promise you it will never be "private." Come on, the internet has been around for over a decade. If you think Facebook's policy reversal protects your photos, status updates, wall postings and info, you really shouldn't be allowed near a computer.

#3 Flight 3407 to Buffalo:
There are so many heartbreaking aspects to this story: the timing being so soon after the Hudson miracle landing, the 50 lost souls, the home that was destroyed... but to me the most heartbreaking thing was what the NTSB found during their search to find out why, why, why this happened. The authorities blamed the pilot's lack of both judgment and experience. This may be true but it makes me cry for not just the pilot's legacy, I certainly don't want "incompetence" written on my tombstone, but also for his family who is mourning him. Don't you think the pilot did absolutely everything in his power to save the lives of everyone on board including his own? Unfortunately the weather, the plane and other circumstances outwitted him. I pray someone mentions the good he did during his lifetime instead of solely focusing on the fatal mistake he made during the last minute of his life. He was after all, human.

#4 The Post's Cartoon:
On Wednesday the Post ran a cartoon where two policemen gun down a chimpanzee. The caption read "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus plan." People were outraged because they found it racist. Umm well duh...people reacted that way because it was truly as racist as it gets! I stand in agreement with the protesters outside the Post's headquarters. In fact, I'd be standing in line with them if I didn't have a 4 month old at home to watch. How on Earth could the Post run such an obscene cartoon! Memo to the Post: You're just as bad as Fox news, maybe worse.

#5 Oliver's First Tooth:
I see my babe's first tooth! It is currently at the gum line and while it could take days or weeks for it to become a full fledged tooth, I'm just so giddy to see it! I want to put my baby in a shoebox and keep him teeny forever. He's already growing up too fast! As far as I'm concerned, this is the most important news story of them all!

Make my Friday Fabulous!
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Feb 19, 2009

Dreaming in chocolate...

While my parents were visiting last week they so nicely brought countless, classic candy bars from their hotel and gave them to Brett and I to help us bulk up our sorry stash of junk food. While this doesn't help me lose my last ten pounds of pregnancy weight, it will help me quench the pangs of a hard-core chocolate craving.

Brett was traveling last night and I felt an incredible urge to crack into some form, any form, of chocolate. And because of my parents, I had so many fun choices...Charleston Chew, Skor, Clark Bar...and that's when I saw it...Sky Bar.

I actually had never seen one before. It's by Necco...the same company that makes those god awful Necco Wafers. For all you Sky Bar novices, it is a 4-piece candy bar. And, each piece has it's own flavor...Carmel, Vanilla, Peanut and Fudge. I'm happy to report it's amazing! Now that I'm hooked, where am I going to find another! It's not like they sell them at Duane Reade!

It's very rare I sit down and actually eat a whole candy bar. Very, very rare. In fact, I don't even remember the last time I bought a candy bar. There's truly nothing out there that actually appeals to me. Anytime I buy candy, I buy the bite-size bag and stash the whole bag in my freezer because chocolate tastes best when it's ice cold. Especially a Snickers.

They do not make candy like they used to. The sugar candies used to come in beautiful tin containers, Sugar Daddy Pops took hours to finish, and Fruit Stripe Gum bursted with flavor! Remember the bubble gum cigars and gum cigarettes? First you'd puff the powder off and then you'd chew the gum. What fun we had pretending to smoke! Can you imagine kids eating those today? No chance of that happening.

I can't wait to take Oliver to the candy store. I wonder if he'll be a sugar person or a chocolate person. In the meantime, if anyone knows where to find Sky Bars, let me know. Brett's traveling next week and I have a feeling I'm going to have a craving!

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Feb 18, 2009

Gotta love mornings...

Sunday, we woke up to find Oliver perpendicular in his crib.
Apparently this is his new favorite position.
We think he's practicing "standing."


On Monday, we woke up to find Oliver cracking up.
What is it that's making him laugh so darn hysterically?
We have not a clue.


On Tuesday morning he was sleeping like this.
How is this comfortable?


Make my Wednesday wonderful!
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Feb 17, 2009

My cleaning lady Francesca...

My cleaning lady has gotten a little too comfortable.

A of all: She moved her start time from 7:30AM to 8:30AM. Fine. I let that go because it actually gives me an extra hour in the morning to chill out with my babe.

B of all: After she takes off her shoes and coat, instead of grabbing the mop and broom she runs right over to Oliver and coos with him. I let this go too because I thought it was sweet. But as of late 2 minutes of cooing became 5 minutes. Then 5 minutes became 10 minutes. And last week, I kid you not, she cooed for a half an hour all the while telling me how she wanted to have kids of her own but her body would not let her, how she's now too old, how her husband was just laid off, how her mother is dying back in Mexico, and how if she had a baby she wouldn't be so stressed out and...I'm sorry but TMI. (mom: that means Too Much Information.) I'm thinking to myself, "Francesca, I'm so sorry for your stresses but really, you're my cleaning lady. I've got a handle on my baby. What I don't have a handle on is my kitchen floor. So maybe now's a good time to grab that Soft Scrub."

C of all: She asked me if she could borrow a shirt of mine to clean in. Apparently she brought her cleaning shirt home the week before and forgot to bring it back. My mother is going to die when she hears I actually lent her one. I couldn't have her cleaning my apartment in the huge turtleneck sweater she wore, right?

D of all: I put Oliver down for his morning nap and was excited to use the half-hour to catch up with my girl Martha Stewart. (I know she's dry and condescending as all hell, but I've taken a real liking to her.) During this time Francesca cleans out my refrigerator. She hollers from the kitchen that my milk is bad. "Fine," I yell back, "throw it out." Then she hollers that my bananas are rotten. "Fine," I yell back, "throw them out." Do I really need to "approve" everything? If the bananas are black, toss'em!

E of all: Seeing as it was almost 60 degrees out, I threw Oliver in the stroller and off we went to the park. I didn't want him to be breathing in the fumes once Francesca got going on the bathroom. She doesn't usually leave until around 2, but when we came in the door at 12:30, there was Francesca putting her shoes on. Huh? I was a little shocked and clearly so was she. She hurriedly said goodbye and was out the door.

After a moment it hit me.

She just walked out of here wearing my old crappy shirt, carrying a jug of milk in her right hand and holding a few bananas in her left!

It's come to the end of the line for Francesca.

Feb 16, 2009

Stupid stupid purchase...

I really love to cook. And, the past six months I've taken it to a new level. Every Sunday morning while doing laundry I pour over my cookbooks and decide the week's menu. I make my grocery list accordingly and then skip joyfully to the store, eager to squeeze and smell all the potential vegetables, fruits and and meats. (No, I don't squeeze the meats.)

Well, Oliver is now 4.5 months old. And this past week, I've noticed whenever I eat or drink anything he stares at me with huge and curious eyes. It's almost like he's saying, "Heeeey Mama...Gimme some eggs! Hand me some chicken! Toss me some carrots!" In fact, he looks at me so longingly that I've started to feel badly eating in front of him. So, last Thursday I asked Oliver's pediatrician if I could give him some food. He's clearly showing an interest and let's face it, the taste of milk 24/7 has got to be getting old by now. In a word, he told me no. Apparently a baby shouldn't eat solids until they're 6 months old because their digestive system just isn't ready yet. He told me the longer I waited, the healthier his gut would be. Okay. Fine. I can totally wait.

But that doesn't mean I can't prepare.

This past weekend, Brett, Oliver and I went to look at high chairs. We're now deciding between the Stokke Tripp Trap and the Svan High Chair. Both chairs are modern looking and can be pulled up to the dinner table so we can eat as a family. After high chairs I browsed for sippy cups and baby spoons. And that's when I spotted a cookbook called Top 100 Baby Purees. Well, I thought, this is a fantastic idea! I'll totally make Oliver's food. How hard could it be? I must get this book!

Well, I'm pissed.

Once again, I feel like the marketers of the baby universe have convinced me to buy yet another totally stupid and unnecessary item. (Don't get me started on the organic mattress I bought for Oliver's crib. It weights 5000 lbs and has become the biggest pain in the ass I've ever dealt with in my life.)

I actually spent money on a cookbook that has recipes like this:



Banana:

Mash a small banana with a fork.

Add a little milk.






Avacado:

Cut a small avocado in half.
Take out pit.

Mash.
Add a little milk.





Papaya:

Cut in half.
Take out seeds.
Mash.
Add Milk.


The kicker was this one:

Banana, Avacado and Papaya:
1/2 banana
1/2 Avacado
1/2 Papaya
Mash all together.
Add a little milk.

REALLY??? Fine. Those are the no-cook recipes...but the carrot one is basically the same thing:



Carrots:

Peel and chop 4-6 carrots.

Steam for 15-20 minutes.
Put in blender and puree.
Add a little milk to desired consistency.





To be fair, those are baby's first foods. So obvioulsy I'm not adding spices like basil or rosemary or doing anything crazy. These recipes WILL probably taste better and be more economical than the mushy bland crap baby food sold at grocery stores. But really? Someone wrote and published a cookbook with those recipes? Can someone please get me the number of Random House? I'd like to publish a book on how to change a diaper. I see it going something like this:



Diaper:

1- Put baby on changing table.

2- Take old diaper off.

3- Wipe baby's behind.
4- Put on new diaper.





I may have to wait a month and a half to prove my culinary prowess to Oliver, but in the meantime, I'm going to continue practicing my brownie recipe on Brett and myself.

The cookbook's getting returned today.


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Feb 13, 2009

The Week in Review 001

So, just like Oprah, I'm going to have "The Week in Review Fridays." This will consist of me telling you my opinions on this weeks headlines. Right about now my mother is thinking, "Oh no. Heeeeere we go." And you know what? She's right. So let's get going.

#1- The Michael Phelps Apology:

I'm sorry but if I have to hear this poor guy apologize for partying it up just one more time I'm going to personally send him a six pack of Bud. He just got done representing America on the world's stage with grace and integrity. God forbid he scratch an itch and try what most 15 year olds do every weekend in high school! Phelps never had time for a girlfriend, probably never went to his prom, and for sure never crashed a college kegger. I think the guy is entitled to a little debauchery. And now Kelloggs revokes his sponsorship? What a load of hypocritical bullshit. Hey Kelloggs, did you take away Michael Jordan's sponsorship when he cheated on his wife or got in trouble with his little gambling habit? The true ass hole in this situation is the guy who had the chance to party with Phelps and then turned around and sold him out by selling those pics to the tabloids.

#2- The insane Nadya Suleman:

Okay. Normally I don't give a hoot about what people do with their own bodies. It's quite frankly none of my business. But this...this...this is the most sick woman I've ever seen. Delusional doesn't even cut it. DCFS, really, please knock on her door and take those kids to homes where they can be raised by sane people. I know so many people who want children who are responsible, loving and selfless adults. It breaks my heart that this woman is fulfilling her own weird fetish rather than thinking of what's best for the poor kids she just birthed. And now she is looking for endorsements from companies and donations from the public? She thinks she's going to be the next John and Kate + 8! Have you seen her website? Don't get me started on the taxpayers of California having to foot the bill for her!

Memo to Crazywoman: Dogs have 8 puppies at a time, not humans.

#3- The Stimulus Package:

I can't imagine a more shitacious job in the world right now than being President of the United States. Don't get me wrong, I'm psyched Obama is in office, but I do hope people understand that he's trying to fix some pretty huge problems and cut him a little slack. Already he's done more in a month than Bush did his entire presidency. The problem is congress doesn't understand economics and all the economists are corrupt. So who is supposed to really fix this mess? Oy. Its gonna be a while until things are back to normal.

I'm gonna go make cookies.


Comment away! I'd love to know your thoughts!

Feb 12, 2009

Confession...

I'm a baby. 

And never has it been more obvious that I need to grow up than when my parents came to visit this week from Chicago. 

You see, I have the worlds best parents. They are the most loving, the most hilarious, the most generous and the most thoughtful people in the world. And besides Brett, they know me better than anyone in this whole world.

I began counting down the minutes to their arrival from the second they told me they were visiting. It was nothing short of heaven watching my dad make Oliver laugh in ways I've never seen before. He must have boinked himself on the head with the newspaper 300+ times because with every boink Oliver burst into an endless fit of giggles. And, at Whole Foods, he made every squash, banana and carrot into a new and exciting friend for Oliver to meet. 

My mom was no slacker in the grandparent department either. She crawled on the floor, danced around the apartment, gave endless kisses and read Oliver every book in the apartment. My favorite was when Oliver watched her drink her coffee. He was so interested! 

Let's just say, they've got the grandparent gig down perfectly.

Here's the thing... while I was so obviously excited for my parents to see how much Oliver has grown, I actually secretly couldn't wait to see them for my own selfish reasons. 

I desperately wanted a giant bear hug from my dad and to have my mom play with my hair. 

I fully realize this sounds crazy because:

1) I'm 30-something years old.
2) I'm a wife.
3) I'm four months into being a mom myself.

But you see, that's just the plain old truth. I just couldn't wait to see my mommy and daddy. 

In fact my favorite time of the whole visit was after we put Oliver to sleep and I got to hang out in my apartment with them. You know why? Because I became the baby again.  

They left yesterday. And yes, I cried, like...well, a baby. I really pray I can be the kind of mama to Oliver that my parents have always been to me.

I know...I've clearly got some growing up to do.

Feb 11, 2009

I love me some butterflies...

Indulge me.

I couldn't help but videotape Ollie's morning routine with his beloved butterfly.


Feb 10, 2009

Waking up is hard to do...

I am not a morning person. You see, I love, love, love, to sleep.

In fact, sleeping is one area of my life I have achieved rock star status in.

Growing up, I would be in bed by 10pm and could easily sleep until noon. College, forget it. I didn't even think about scheduling a class before 10am and on weekends I could sleep until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. 

Sleep is good for your skin, good for stress, and good for your waistline.

Well, since having Oliver I have risen every morning at 6:45 am Monday through Monday. I won't lie, the first couple of months were rough. Really rough. Waking was nothing short of painful. However at about 3 months it became clear that Mr. Oliver had inherited my sleeping gene. He's a great little sleeper and I thank god every night when we put him down at 8 and he rises like clockwork at 6:45 am the next morning.  

The funny thing is every day, 6:45 am to 7 am has become my most favorite time of day. It is during those 15 minutes that Oliver lays in his crib and talks to himself. The noises he makes are beyond precious and I sit there and listen and thank god for everything I have.

I am forever a morning person- no coffee needed - just my Oliver.

Feb 9, 2009

The cost of dinner and a movie...

Dinner on a Saturday night...$70.
(We went to Roc. It's this cute Italian restaurant in our neighborhood with the best grilled calamari salad you've ever had.  I can't even tell you how nice it was to have someone else cook besides me. It was a really special treat.)

2 movie tickets to He's just not that into you...$24.
(This movie was the worst movie ever. I knew it was going to suck and that I was going to be bored out of my mind but I had to see a movie where absolutely no thinking was required. It was just the mood I was in. Usually, I am so not interested in seeing women portrayed as such insipid, pathetic creatures no matter how much of a sappy ending it may have. The cast was way too old and the movie was way too long. I suggest waiting until TNT buys the rights cause even HBO ain't going to waste their money on this one.)

1 popcorn and 1 large coke to eat during movie...$12.
(You need to have something to snack on during a movie. Especially in a movie as bad as this one.)

5 hours for babysitter from 6pm to 11pm...$90.
(Don't get me started on the $18 per hour rate. When I babysat in high school I made $8 an hour. Someone please tell me when the cost of babysitting rose so much? Basically, we're paying someone to eat our food and watch television in our apartment while the baby sleeps. I told her over the phone we were willing to pay $15 an hour, based on what other parents in my neighborhood pay their sitters, and after I met her and finalized our plans she told me her rate was actually $20 an hour! WTF! I told her I'd be willing to do $18 but no more. While I liked her, I'm not going to use her again because I do not like the whole bait and switch move. Right?)

Dinner for babysitter...$10.
(She told me her usual clients leave her menus of all the Tribeca restaurants and she calls and orders in. My eyeballs popped out at this one as every restaurant in our area is expensive. I decided to avoid this one and go to the grocery store and stock the freezer with 5 different frozen meals and let her pick which one she wanted. I also happened to have made amazing brownies the night before so she could have something for dessert too.)

Cab ride for babysitter home at 11:00pm...$10.
(This one I felt compelled to do. I can't have a 40-something year old female leaving my apartment at 11pm at night without cab fare. If something happened to her I'd feel absolutely horrible. I remember when I babysat in high school, the father would always drive me home or at least make sure I got to my car okay.)

Saturday Night out in NYC without baby...$216.
(Yes, you read that right...$216 for dinner and a movie. Crazy? Yes. Especially right now. But I will say, it was really nice to spend time with Brett. We'll do it again next month.  But we will definitely see a better movie.)

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Feb 6, 2009

Facebook and those damn 25 things...

I'm sure most of you reading this have a Facebook account. 

And, not only do you have Facebook accounts, but I'm sure by now, most of you have been tagged in that crazy 25 Random things I don't know about you game that's been going around the past couple of weeks.  

It's so huge that even the NYtimes did an article on it yesterday!  

Here are mine:

1- I have a love/hate relationship with NYC. I love the food, shops and people. I hate the rents, subway and people.

2- I believe all stuffed animals have feelings. Even the ugly ones.

3- I think all women could use a little make-up. It's not really that big of a deal to put a little effort in.

4- I like getting deep in on the issues both personally and politically.

5- I wanted Oliver to be a girl. When we found out the baby was a boy I cried, even though in my gut I knew all along he was a boy.

6- Pat Benatar's "We Belong" always gets me going.  
Check out her video... it is SO GODDAMN HILARIOUS!



7- S'mores are my all time #1 favorite food. To prove it, we even served them at my wedding.

8- I would move to the Greek Islands in a New York second if my husband was up for it.

9- After reading #8 you should know that feta, olives, tomatoes, olive oil, bread and red wine are things I cannot live without.

10- After ordering out for 4 years, I have rediscovered I am a fabulous cook. Every night as I cook up dinner I amaze myself.  You should see the eggs I make in the morning now. 

11- I think my husband is the best person I know.

12- If I could get into Oliver's crib with him I would.

13- I think doing someone's laundry is the nicest thing anyone can do for you.

14- I will do ANYTHING for a back rub.

15- I loved summer camp and will be thankful for the cult like experience for the rest of my life.

16- I have a full, written out, blown out, financial plan so I'll know exactly what to do with the 25 million dollars I will win one day from the New York State Lottery.

17- My husband made me leave a casino once because I was getting so upset I was losing money. He said I'm never allowed to gamble again because I fundamentally don't understand the odds are against me. 

18- I love, love, love, to read. But I hate, hate, hate chick-lit.

19- Oliver doesn't look like me or Brett. I spend a lot of time wondering who it is he looks like.

20- I'm a tank top, lip gloss and moisturizer junkie. I firmly believe you can't have enough of all three.

21- I hate it when grown women smell like baby powder or wear pigtails. If you're over 18 seriously grow up.

23- You can never stop learning. The day you decide you know it all you've become a moron.

24- I am the worlds best sleeper who can cuddle up to almost anything and make it snuggly.

25- My stuffed animal dog just winked at me.

Feb 5, 2009

It's Greek to me...

So two years ago, Brett and I took the best vacation of our lives. We went to Athens, Mykonos and Santorini. I can't stress enough that every person should visit these places at least once in their lives. Feta cheese and olives truly don't come alive until you eat them here. 

Oh, and the wine is amazing.

Athens was undeniably awe-inspiring. I loved being a tourist here. The Parthenon and Acropolis absolutely blew my mind and I couldn't get over how young the whole concept of America was. I mean, America is seriously like a baby compared to European, Middle Eastern and African countries.

Speaking of babies, it was in Greece that we decided it was time to have one of our own. It actually came up while we were touring the museum at the Parthenon. We were walking through it, taking a break from the outside heat, and looking at all the old amazing tools those smarty pants Greeks came up with.

It was then we saw the Greek solution to potty-training. How cool/uncomfortable does that thing look! Can you imagine putting a squirmy 2 year old on that? Not to mention how cold it must get on his/her poor baby bum sitting on the marble!

But don't you just love that they came up with the idea of potty training?  

Oh, and the wine is amazing.

Feb 4, 2009

Give it to me better...

During my ten years of advertising agency experience I was briefed over and over on the behaviors of a certain target audience companies like Proter & Gamble and Rubbermaid refer to as "CEO of the Household."

The target is always, always, always female. She is 25-40 years old. These women love a good bargain, have big-time brand loyalty, and give new products one chance to make a first impression. If that new toilet wand fails to add anything new or valuable, they will never waste their time or money again. I feel this way about many old boyfriends.

Well, I may not be sitting in my advertising agency office anymore but 4 months ago I became a CEO. Everyday, I walk the aisles of Duane Read, Whole Foods, Babies 'R Us and Bloomies looking for the best deals and the best products to stock my home with. And now, I realize just ineffective advertisers and companies are at reaching me.

Paper towels, toilet paper, dishwasher detergent and cleaning sprays are the four things we use most in our apartment. And frankly, there isn't an ad out there that convinces me to buy one brand over another. I actually choose what I choose because my mother recomended it, my cleaning lady suggested it, or another friend said it saved her life. Yup, that's right, I get what I get because my fellow CEOs have delivered up rave reviews. Yup, my mom whose a woman, my cleaning lady whose a women and other friends who are also women.

My point is women need to get vocal and force businesses to talk to us for realsies if they want to push product in this economy. Give us truth! Find out where I itch and scratch it! I promise I will buy you if you seduce me right! It is downright patronizing to see most of the ads on daytime television. Most of the ads are like stupid one liners. You don't marry that guy. The guy that you end up marrying is the one who captures your heart and soul and becomes your best friend forever!

This commercial from the agency Saatchi & Saactchi from a couple of years ago for Pampers ALWAYS gets me to cry.  I love Pampers and am completely devoted to them. They're the only diaper I'll buy. Besides, they really are the best diaper out there.



And then there's this campaign by Johnson & Johnson.  
Tell me this isn't the complete truth:


Right now my top 5, can't live without drugstore products are:

-Bounty Paper Towels
-Cascade Dishwashing Detergent
-Charmin Ultra-Soft Toilet Paper

What are yours? Should I try anything new?

Leave me a comment, don't be shy!

Feb 3, 2009

Little Big Boy...

I've decided that if Oliver is going to spit up on everything from himself to the kitchen sink, he should pitch in and help, especially with the laundry.

Yes, you are lookin' at darling, 4-month old chunker busting out of our laundry basket. 

Over the past couple weeks I've taken Oliver to a few neighborhood play groups and he's always been the youngest one there. I'm fine with him being the most immature in the group, but the thing that freaks me out is that he's seriously twice or three times the size babies who are months older than he is. 

The mothers look at me and ask me how old he is and their eyebrows fly right through their forehead when they hear how he's just 4 months. Their next question is always, how much does he eat? A lot. He's clearly from my side.

I read on babycenter.com that babies are supposed to double their birthweight by 4 months and triple their weight by the first year. But Oliver tripled his birth weight in only 4 months!

I'm thinking well shit! Its no wonder Oliver's first months were maniacal! He's been going through constant and consistent growth spurts.  Poor little big boy!

I'm thrilled to report the past two weeks he's been soooo much calmer and I'm assuming its because he's finally getting used to his own skin! He must be plateauing. 

At this rate, seeing as we're already in 6-12 month clothes, he's going to be the next Brian Urlacher! 

Feb 2, 2009

Why I hate Beyonce...

I live in Tribeca across the street from a government building.  They can fully see into my apartment and I can fully see into their offices. Only a couple times has this posed a problem since we're out of the apartment while they're at work, and by the time Brett or I come home, they've left for the day.

I know you really shouldn't put a baby in front of a tv, and well, I tried to keep him off it but Oliver like his mama, loves to watch the tube. Every morning, while I'd rather watch the Today Show, I put on VH1 so we have music in the apartment to play to. And well, that's when Beyonce happened.  

Have you seen her latest video for "All the Single Ladies?" She dances, no... she rips it up. And Oliver has an absolute shit fit every time that video comes on. He smiles, screams, laughs and kicks right along with the music.

Well, I was having so much fun watching Oliver kick and dance, I thought maybe if I knew some of the dance, I could make him laugh without the television on . So I rewound our DVR a few... 5... 6... or 9 times and tried to get me some of them Beyonce moves.  

I finally threw in the towel because really, who can move like her and even more so I wanted to shower. I turned around and that's when I saw 4 dickwads in the government building standing in an office window watching me, laughing their asses off.

MOTHER FUCKERS! 

The only thing I could do was flip them the double bird, grab Oliver and run into the other room.   

Fuck New York and fuck Beyonce. 

Jan 30, 2009

Potty mouth...

I can't... no wait...let me start over.

I won't... stop swearing.  

A "Gosh Darn It" when I accidentally drop my $200 hairdryer on the bathroom floor doesn't fit nearly as well as a "F-cking D-mmit all to H-ll."  

I actually like to swear. It lets me express the magnitude of how I feel. And sometimes my feelings are bigger than an "Ooooh shoot!"

Like yesterday, when a certain young man on the street couldn't be bothered to hold the door to Duane Reade for Oliver and me. He let the door slam into my stroller and woke Oliver up from his nap.  I felt a "Hey thanks, A$$-Hole!" was completely appropriate. 

Or, like last week when I was in the grocery store, and I asked the woman who was stocking the food where the Kosher Salt was. She replied with a snarky, "How the hell should I know." To me, only a f$cking whoresack could act like that to a customer.

I don't just use swearing for insults. I use them to express my feelings as well.

For example: Stub my toe = F-CK!!!!! Can you really just say oops?

I come from a long line of cussers.  My Mom, my Dad, hell even my Grandma swears with the best of them. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, like an 88 year old woman calling a taxi driver an A$$ Hole for aggressively taking a yellow light.

Brett has asked me tone this habit of mine down before Oliver starts to talk.  

I'll try. I want to be a d-mn good mother. I really do think it's important for me to model how a lady acts since eventually hopefully Oliver will find one to marry. 

But I know, and Brett knows, and you know, there's no changing a leopard or zebra's dots or whatever the f-ck they have.  

I'm gonna burn in h-ll.

Jan 29, 2009

Father time, Mother Nature, and whoever else is in charge of the weather...

Yesterday NYC had the most shitacious weather. 
 
It wasn't snowing.  
It wasn't raining. 
It was pissing slush.
All.
Day.
Long.

Even Oliver was annoyed. 
Here's his face to prove it. 

He's sick and tired of being bundled and unbundled.
And frankly, I'm sick of it too. 

Memo to Springtime: Get here fast, or Mama S'mores is moving to Hawaii.

Jan 28, 2009

Who do I think I am?

I am a city-living, dining out, beauty routine junkie who can't live without getting her mani/pedi's and brow waxes. I know the latest jeans to trot around town in (Denim Leggings), the juiciest lip glosses to frost your lips with (T. LeClerc) and the most amazing stiletto in town to sum it all up (Balenciaga Fishbone Slingbacks).  

The other day, Brett remarked how domesticated I have become.

Domesticated? Could he have hurled a bigger insult at me?

Fine, I haven't worked in a few months. So what if I have time to frequent the grocery store and clip some coupons. Cooking is a good thing and it saves so many calories. I can watch my carb vs protein intake and make sure I'm getting enough daily vitamins and minerals. So what if I see this as a healthy new obsession...my nails and hair will for sure prosper from what Brett calls "domesticated."

Okay, fine. I've decided I like the living room organized as to how I go about my day. I want the kitchen pots stacked properly and our bed made in the morning. I don't think it's bad to not want left over shaving cream bits or toothpaste in the sink. I want things put away. I had dinner ready as Brett walked in the door last night. Yup. I sure did. And, I have the whole weeks dinner menus already planned and prepped. I started a database of weeknight recipes so that Sunday grocery store runs are efficient as hell. Don't even get me started on how I do the laundry.

These are no small things. I'm not a natural housewife.  

I admit, there are days when I haven't been so graceful while working at my new gig, and sometimes, I've even been resentful that Brett gets to go to work in the morning. But I really have to give it up to my husband for sticking by me through this most unexpected time.  He's a champ like no other and goes above and beyond for Oliver and me on a daily basis.

Domesticated or whatever, I'm getting my hair highlighted this weekend. 

Old habits die hard.

Jan 27, 2009

Check your kids homework...

My friend Vinny sent this to me in an email yesterday.  I found it hillarious.



After the picture, there was a letter to the teacher from the Mommy.

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.  

Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole.  It is supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on, I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in. 

Sincerely, 
Mrs. Smith

Jan 26, 2009

My life has changed 002

For as long as I've been the special lady in Brett's life, I've wanted him to have fun and memorable birthdays. They were always very easy to plan. Brett loves looking and feeling dapper so I usually gifted him shirts from Barneys and goodies from Kiehls. A solid steak frites satisfies Brett's tummy like nothing else, and since there's no dearth of french bistros in NYC, dinner was always filled with possibility.

This year, well, things are a bit different.

Instead of waking up on his birthday weekend and lolly-gagging around the apartment until noon, we were up, just as we've been up every morning, at 6:45 am. At 7:30 we were getting spit up on and at 8:30 we had already done the laundry. By 12:30 we were getting spit up on again and at 2:30 we were at Barnes & Noble with the rest of Tribeca and their sticky kids. 4:00 came and we were home and showering, getting ready for our big date night out. 

At 5:45, 15 minutes before our babysitter got to our apartment we were showered, dressed and ready to rock. Our instructions were clear, written down, and within 3 minutes, we were out the door headed to the subway. No friends, no Oliver. Just us. Brett and me. Let's talk about us. Us, us, us. Let's flirt, steal a few kisses, be coy, and pretend like we're on a second date. Giggles, swooning, dreaming...yum.

For this to work however, the first step to success meant we had to get out of the neighborhood because I am so damn sick of Tribeca I could die. So, off to Brooklyn we went. We were at the restaurant by 6:45 and we hung out at the wine bar around the corner until they called us. Wine. Perfect. I love you.

After downing my volcanic, earthy, dry red in 10 minutes we sat there talking about how everything in our life has changed. Instead of giggles, swooning and dreaming we laughed at Oliver's most current habits: his meat-head like grunts when he wants our attention, his want to walk even though he can't even flip over yet, and how he furls his brow, just like his daddy, as if to say to the other babies, "What the f$ck man?"

We watched a couple flirt... they were clearly on their 2nd date.  Amateurs. 

It was 7:30 when our name was called and while ordering dinner, we realized most of our friends probably hadn't even showered yet- it was still too early for their night to begin. By 8:45 we were paying the check and all we wanted to do was get to the subway and crawl into bed. 

We were home by 9:15, a full 45 minutes before we were expected, but it was freezing outside and it's not like we could just walk around. A movie would end too late, and coffee was not an option. So we just cut it short and called it a night. 

As we entered our building three adorable girls in their late 20's passed us on their way out. They were coiffed, slicked and glossed, all ready to jump start their night. They were probably going to the newest restaurant in the West Village.  They had loads of perfume on and they were oh yeah, oh yeah, working it. Brett and I were in bed by 9:45.  

As Brett whispered thank you for the best birthday ever, I laughed and said, yes, it was a perfect Saturday.

I could spend everyday with my boys.