It just keeps getting grosser...

I thought I had seen it all.

I thought after 17 months, I had handled every gross thing that had come my way.

• Spit up for 6 months? Yup.
• The colic for four months? Done.
• Bloody gashes on the side of the head? Check.
• An explosive code brown that forced me to sterilize the apartment? Been there.
• Four months straight of boogers? Finally past that.

But yesterday, Oliver brought gross to a whole new level.

I was knee deep in vomit and could not find my way out.

See I've never dealt with vomit. Not once.
Even in my college years I never hurled.

I was about to snap a pic of Oliver covered in chunks, but I thought that would be crossing the line.

I felt very badly for myself. My husband, on the other hand (who happened to be out of the state during the vomit assault), thought I should have felt worse for Oliver. But Oliver had no fever, no runny nose, no nothing. In fact the spunky little chunk-spewer spent the afternoon dancing his butt off and running wild through the apartment. So I thought I clearly won the "who-to-feel-worse-for" category hands down. After all, Oliver's wasn't the one who cleaned up the floor. He didn't have to rinse out his clothes. And he didn't wash his hair three times yesterday. I did. I did. I did.

After putting him to bed I bee-lined for the shower. There was nothing more I wanted to do than get the smell of Pedialyte chunk off my hands.

There is nothing, and I mean nothing, worse than vomit.

Now...I've seen it all.

Oliver in a nutshell...

Every Thursday, Oliver gets a report card at pre-pre-school.

You never think another person will get to know your babe as intimately
as you, however, last week's report card proves they know Oliver
pretty damn well.

A game I refuse to play...

Oliver is all about creating games these days.

I was cleaning up the kitchen last week and looked up to find Oliver staring at me hard.  The moment our eyes connected he laughed hysterically and dove behind the island. Two minutes later he was there again waiting for me to "catch him looking." I was more than happy to participate in his game, but there is one game that I will not play.

Every morning at 6am we wake to a hard thud.  

Then another, another and another. 

After the thuds come the moans.  

The moans turn to cries. 

And then by 6:45, the cries are full on screaming. 

We walk in at 7am to find the lovies, soft books and blankets we put in his crib to keep him happy in a big pile on the floor.

He stares longfully at them.

Then when we walk in he looks at us like it's our fault his friends are on the floor.

At school they don't punish bad behavior, rather they introduce them to "natural consequences." 

The first times he tossed his friends out of the crib I immediately gave him them back. 

5 minutes later, I heard thuds again and realized this was his latest and greatest game.

This is not a game he's going to want to keep playing as I refuse to play.

Kitchen Recall...

So I am actually a pretty good cook.
I cook regularly at home and take enjoyment in picking out the meal, shopping for ingredients and watching it all come together.

But something went hideously wrong this morning while cooking my morning eggs.

I blew them up.

Seriously.

I didn't know it was possible but the entire yolk actually jumped straight out of it's little hole and exploded right across the rest of the whites.

I even took a picture because I was in such shock.

Check it out:

Hair Always Grows Back.

The Situation

It was pouring down hurricane style rain all yesterday in NYC. 

We had no plans in the afternoon and I didn't feel like getting drenched. 

So, we were stuck inside all afternoon like caged animals.

The Problem

I was bored.

The Solution

I was going to give Oliver a haircut.

The Known Issues

1- I don't know how to cut hair.

2- Oliver is a young toddler who can't sit still.

 3- Large shiny objects such as kitchen sheers attract his attention.

The Result

You tell me.

My husband wants to kill me. 

I think Oliver does too.

The Aftermath

I will never again attempt to play salon with my own child.

The Washcloth.

I can't take credit for this story as another Mama posted this on one of the internet boards I participate in. I took off the name of the person who it happened to, but it kills me so I wanted to share it:

The Washcloth 
Ladies, this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning,cooking.

After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor. 

Ever.

Did you ever XXX with your baby?

One of my very best friends just had a baby boy three weeks ago and she's going through the new mom jitters. I check in with her almost daily and I've noticed she's started asking me some familiar questions:

"Did you ever feed the baby late because you were asleep?"  Yes. Many times.
"Did Oliver poop himself right after you cleaned him up and put a new diaper on him?  Yes. Every time.
"Did you ever feel like a crazy person when they don't stop crying?" Yes. Still do.

I told my friend to always call and ask me anything day or night.  But I promise the answer will most likely always be a yes. I am truly the last person to judge another mom.

In fact, after I hung up with her I laughed to myself remembering my questions that I wished I could discuss with a friend who'd been in the trenches.  Such as:

Did you ever bring home a naked baby from the pediatrician because you didn't know to ALWAYS bring extra clothes with you?  This is where my friend would say...Yes!

Did you ever have to run to a drug store to buy formula or milk because you left yours at home? All the time!

Did you ever run out of diapers and have to use tissue paper so you could again run to the drug store? Quite frequently!

Did you ever swear you were never having more children when your baby was 7 weeks old and it was 4:00 in the morning and they won't stop screaming? Totally! In fact, I considered giving my husband a vasectomy!

Did you ever tell a random person you're up to your ears in diarrhea and wonder why they're looking at you like you're the weirdo? Of course! Poop, pee, boogers, nothing phases me anymore!

Did you ever order your dinner in the same tone you talk to your baby with and then realized half way through you need to get out more?  Positively yes! And right after, we hired a babysitter!

All I can tell my friend is to hold on tight.
It's a wild, dirty, crazy ride, but nonetheless, the best ride in the world!

An Unplugged Rant.

Last Thursday I boarded the plane to New York calm and collected only to discover my dvd player had not been charged properly. For the next hour and a half, we would have to make do on a plane with no entertainment. Crap.

Last Friday Oliver was sleeping and I was eager to finish Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed only to discover my Kindle wasn't charged. Shit.

At the playground last Saturday Oliver was off running around and I had a moment to text my friend only to realize my iPhone was dead. Sucks.

Last Sunday I had an idea for a blog post, and hmmm...what a surprise, my computer had not an ounce of juice. Shoot me.

What kind of world are we living in these days!

You think Moms remember to charge every gadget we have? Give us a break!

Steve Jobs and Bill Gates:  If you can invent all of this stuff can't you invent a battery to last longer than 24 hours?

Bag Lady Stroller

Is this unique to New York?

Every day my stroller is packed so heavy with bags
hanging off every hinge, clasp and hook.

Does your stroller make you look like a bag lady too?

Bye Bye Arcade Fire

One of my most favorite concerts I've ever been to was Arcade Fire at Radio City Music Hall. They were musically perfect and at the same time perfectly irreverent. I was surrounded by hipsters and true music lovers and the only downside was that my 70-year old boss was sitting behind me. But I didn't care. We were all there to enjoy the music.

This past weekend I noticed how much my life has changed since that concert. Once again, I was sitting center stage at another New York City landmark, Madison Square Garden, only this time I was sitting with Oliver on my lap. Surrounding us was thousands of other kids worshipping at the alter of Elmo.

At intermission a funny thing happened. Men appeared from all corners of the Garden with thousands 

of Elmo balloons. Each balloon was $10.00 and they completely sold out within 5 minutes. 

The thing is you have no choice but to buy a balloon for your kid. If the child in front of you, behind you, to the right and left of you is holding a balloon you CAN'T explain to your child that it's a stupid waste of money. And even worse, we saw at least 20 balloons sadly waft up to the ceiling after they were accidentally let go of. You KNOW that parents had ponied up for another $10.00 balloon to comfort their crying child. 

Now, I'm no meanie and obviously an Elmo balloon and electronic Elmo-light-up-spiny- thingy are part of the show but i'm just making an observation.

The kid in front of us had to leave early and left his electronic Elmo-light-up-spiny-thingy 

on his chair so we took it. Why let it go to waste right? 

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Congratulations Sherri!  You have won the first ever S'mores For Breakfast Contest! Be sure to email me your info so I can get that to you right away! And thanks everyone for supporting S'mores! We'll be having another contest soon!

And Now...

1- Did you hear? There was an earthquake in Chicago. Apparently it caused quite a stir for some people down in Elgin, Illinois.  It measured out to a whopping 3.8. Now, I can't deny it is unusual for an earthquake to occur in the midwest, but people, come on now. Haiti was less than a month ago and we are quaking in our shoes over an itsy-bitty tremor that Chicago proper didn't even feel. I was in Chicago the night of the earthquake and I didn't feel a thing. Can we all just relax? Check out the store here.

2- Did you hear? The un-storm of the century didn't hit New York City on Wednesday into Thursday. Yes, Newark, Laguardia and JFK did close down for a few hours, and yes, most every airline cancelled their flights, including mine. So do you want to know how many inches the city got? EIGHT! That's it. Eight. You want to know about my flight back from Chicago to Laguardia Thursday afternoon? We departed on time, arrived early and there were 20 passengers on board my 80 person jet. Believe you me, I'm not complaining as I got a whole 6 rows to myself but I would find it infuriating if I was trying to get back to NYC today and couldn't. Check out the story here.

3- Did you hear? Bill Clinton is sick! This pervy President is in the hospital with yet another heart condition. I truly hope he gets better because he's the only normal, past President we got. I mean, the Bush crew can't exactly save the children Haiti on their own. Remember how they mistreated the children of N'Orleans? Besides, how else is Hillary Clinton going to run for President against Fairy Princess Palin in 2016 if Bill isn't around to help her? Check out the story here.

4- Did you hear? MTV re-designed their logo. Now in my 30's I proudly continue to watch too many shows on the Rock of Love sister station. The Hills, Jersey Shore, and the Real World Wherever. I'm so confused as to what they would change about the station let alone the logo that I grew up with.  But, it's not really THAT different. They claim they had to redesign it because there is a whole new generation  involved now. They also claimed that music was still at the center of what they do. So explain me this- I'm totally happy watching a marathon of Jersey Shore but what's that got to do with music? See the new logo here.

5- The first official S'mores for Breakfast contest ends today! Thank you for subscribing and following and tweeting and commenting! Feedback is my most favorite thing in the world so let me know what you're thinking! I'll announce the winner on Monday!

Have a Great Weekend!

I'm Leaving, On a Jet Plane...

Today is going to be a test of survival. Only the worthy will make it out alive.

There will be delays.
There will be angry passengers.
And there will be moments of hunger.

But I.
Must.
Remain.
Calm.

This afternoon I will be traveling from Chicago back to New York City. No biggie right? Well, the problem is there was a blizzard last night on the East Coast and hundreds of flights were canceled including ours. Delta rerouted us along with 50,000 other passengers and now instead of traveling on a cushy non-crowded flight, I am stuck on a sold out one. Normally, I would just wait an extra day or two to travel, but this time I can't. We are going to see Sesame Street Live this weekend and I couldn't deprive Oliver of an event he is sure to love. While I have traveled countless times with Oliver before by myself, the past two flights have made me realize that traveling with a tot is very different than traveling with a baby. 

1- Babies sleep during the flight. 
2- They stare in wonderment at the call button. 
3- They sit contentedly in your lap.

Fine, they might cry because they are teething, but that's nothing that a little Motrin can't fix.
Toddlers on the other hand are a completely different animal:

1- They don't sleep anymore because they are down to one nap a day which they will decide not to take for any given reason.
2- They don't stare at the call button, they want to press the call button over and over which really tends to piss off flight attendents. 
3-They don't sit happily on your lap, they want to run, jump, and explore which directly contradicts the whole "fasten your seatbelt we are an active runway" type of thing.

I'm already empathizing with the poor soul forced to sit next us.

There is a bright side. In just a few months Oliver may not be 100% compliant, but at least I'll be able to bribe him with toys and candy. I'm counting down the days!

So, the moral of the story is if you happen to be traveling tomorrow on the Delta shuttle and you see a Mother losing her mind trying to calm down a crazy tot, be sensitive because I'm doing my very best. And, if you play peek-a-boo with Oliver, I'll buy you a shot on the plane and give you a set of earplugs. 

Home Sweet Where?

Right now, my husband and I are finding ourselves smack dab in a conversation we encounter every February.

It is not romantic. It is not sexy. It is not fun. It has absolutely nothing to do with Valentine's Day.

See, we live in Manhattan. When we moved here we were positive we would be New Yorkers for 1 year and now 6 years later we still aren't sure if we want to leave.

Understandably, we fell hard and fast for New York City when we were a freshly engaged couple. Who wouldn't? The bright lights, manic pace, sophisticated vibe...I mean, who can deny the bagels! 

But now with a toddler in tow, we question whether Manhattan is the right place to raise a child.

The Pros: We have access to the best children's facilities, parks, museums, theater and cupcakes in the country, possibly the world.

The Cons: The price, the price, the price. Oh, and the small apartments.

So then I think, okay, we'll move back to Chicago.

But is it really much better there?

The Pros: Growing up in the Midwest ups the chances of Oliver becoming a polite and empathetic child by tenfold. Owning a home. My family is there.

The Cons: The weather. The winter. Having to buy a car.  Not being able to walk everywhere and anywhere. Not having someone want to deliver me anything I want, even tampons, at 3:00 in the morning. The weather. The winter. No Zabars or Duane Reades.

We have to make a decision soon. 
Anyone have any insights on where is best to raise a family?

To Grandmother's House We Go!

I'm in Chicago visiting my parents for a few days.

Day 1: Oliver is shy.  Walks around the apartment curiously, respectfully, and slowly.

Day 2: Oliver is charming.  He giggles, engages everyone, and is still curious, respectful and adorable.

Day 3: Oliver has the lay of the land. He climbed onto the ottoman and pretended it was a trampoline.  We all laughed.  It was funny.  My son is a monkey!

Day 4: Oliver owns the apartment. He opens every drawer, climbs on every chair and discovers the fireplace. Uh-Oh.

Day 5:  Oliver is dressed to the 9's.  He has to be because if he's gonna cause trouble he should do it looking beyond adorable so we can forgive him instantaneously.

I'll let you know about tomorrow. I might need help

Teach Your Children Well...

I love to read.
No, I take it back.

I LIVE to read.
I devour books in about 3 days.

It melts my heart to see this early on a Sunday morning:

Because of this I scour book stores for the best illustrations and stories. It helps that my mother is a teacher and one of her dearest friends is a children's librarian.

My most favorite book is by Mem Fox and Helen Oxenbury and it happens to be Oliver's favorite book too. It's called Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little toes.

Also, Mem's other book, Hello Baby! is equally adorable. The illustrations are just as stunning, vivid and dear, but this time Mem uses animals to drive home how precious baby is.

Read to your children.
Even if they were just born and sleep all day. 
Even if they 16 months and aren't talking yet. 
Even if they are disabled and have a hard time focusing.
Even if at 10 years old they only want to read about insects and that grosses you out.
Even if they are 16 and hate you.
Even if they are 25 and have left home.
Even if they are 33 and happen to have their own children.
Read to your children.
Read to your children.
Read to your children.

And Now...

1- Did you hear? Vanity Fair Magazine picked some fresh faces to promote in 2010 and most were pale-faced anorexic blondies. They totally ignored Frida Pinto who might be the freshest face beauty I've ever seen in my life. They also ignored Precious star Gabourey Sidibe. Gabourey may not be 2010's version of "fresh-faced" but she certainly blows that Abby Cornish slut out of the water. (Anybody stepping on Reese better take heed!) Check out the story here.

2- Did you hear? Maniac Mel Gibson is at it again. When a local Chicago reporter asked him if he thought the public had "moved on" from his anti-semetic/drunk-driving incident Moody Mel said yes and then under his breath called the reporter an A$$-hole.  Funny thing is, the cameras were still rolling. Mel- You are as Kristen Cavallari would say, "DUNZOOOO."  Check out the story here.

3-Did you hear? Toyota is saying they have the future of the automobile industry by the balls.  Or wait, I mean by the brakes.  Screeeeeeeech!  Yes, as you all know Toyotas across America are getting recalled and John Stewart had everything to say about it two nights ago. Check out the story here.

4- Did you hear? I thought LOST sucked. I was sooo disappointed in the opening show of the final season!  What was that Mr. McLosty thinking! I wanted some answers and you just sunk me deeper into the Tuesday Headache I call LOST! To find out more about the show every geek and their mother is talking about click here.

5- Did you hear? Smores is having a contest!  100 starbucks to the person who leaves a comment, subscribes, and follows me till the end of time.  Yes! I'm talking to YOU!

Have a marshmallowy weekend!

Peter Pan Shadow

We're busy pouring our morning coffee

while Oliver gets busy with his shadow.

Consider Yourself Dumped!

Dear Equinox Fitness Club,


This past Sunday I dumped you. 

You were so hard to spend time with. 

I mean, we hardly hung out so what kind of relationship could I expect with you? I mean, I hated visiting you. Your decorating skills assaulted my senses and quite frankly, I thought your bathrooms were moldy and gross. I felt like you cost me too much money and you didn't give me much in return. 


You caused me inordinate stress. When I saw you while out walking I changed my path. Our relationship made me shutter, shutter, shutter.

So let me ask you this Mr. Impossible Relationship-

Why when I called to dump you over the phone did you force me to come by in person? I wanted to avoid confrontation and you wouldn't have it! 


It's just like you to be difficult. 


When I summoned the courage to visit you why did you subject me to 2 interviews, a contractional agreement of separation and a 45-day probation period? Why drag this out?

Fine. You want to know the truth? I'll tell you the truth.

I've found someone new.  

I was first attracted over a year ago but was too intimidated to do anything about it. I'm happier than I've been in years and I have found muscles I've never used before. After only one time I see a difference in my whole being. My skinny jeans mock me no more. 

Yup, you heard me loud an clear. 


Buh-bye Equinox Fitness Club. Consider us broken up.

Hello Physique 57! 


You are my new love and I look forward to getting to know you better!

CONTEST ALERT!

S'mores for Breakfast has decided to have a little contest. If there's one thing I've learned is that raising children is hard work. Sleepless nights combined with early mornings, will age anyone at least 10 years. I've come to rely on coffee more than showers over the past 16 months. And I feel like passing on a little bit of the love.

S'mores is giving away a $100 Starbucks gift card to someone who does ALL of the following:

1- Subscribe to S'mores.

2- Follows S'mores

3- Follows S'mores on Twitter

A winner be drawn using Random.org and announced on S'mores Friday, February 12 . *You will be given one extra entry every timeyou leave a comment on the S'mores blog page and every timeyou tweet about the contest. So be sure to leave lots of comments and to tweet often!

Red light. Red Light. Red Light. Green Light.

How did you spend your Saturday?

I can tell you how Oliver spent his...in time out.

He climbed the highchair...
BZZZZZ! Time out. 2 minutes.

He erased the messages on the answering machine...
BZZZZZ! Time out. 2 minutes.

He climbed onto the tv stand and tried to pull the flat screen down...
BZZZZZ! Time out. 2 minutes.

He threw his time out timer across the room...
BZZZZZ! Time out. 2 minutes.

I think he was acting like such a maniac was because it was 20 degrees outside and our indoor playground was closed. There was no place for the boy to run around and get rid that energy. So when it was 6:45pm, and he grabbed his moisturizer bottle and pumped all of the lotion onto the floor while laughing hysterically, I pretended not to see.

Everyone deserves a time-in, right?

24/7 365 Days Later.

As adults we may not notice just how fast time goes by 

or how far we come each year.

Looking back at these pictures teaches me 

to be grateful for every single day.

You've come a long way baby.