New York Crazy

Dear New York City,

Really. Enough is enough. During past 9 months you have exhausted me.

1-Lets discuss the whole United Nations business last September. You really had to host a 2 week summit and invite every world leader here during the exact time I went into labor? I would have given birth in a taxi had it not been for a police escort and ambulance that rescued us.

2-How about after bringing my baby home from the hospital Lehman Brothers closes and the stock market's bottom falls out? Really New York? I still can't walk anywhere near the Citi building even though it stands on the most popular street in Tribeca. The police surround it daily and yesterday the bomb squad was out full force. Perfect conditions for a neighborhood stroll.

3-New York, do you realize I am used to the sound of helicopters? That's because they hover over my head ALL the time. First the hovering was because a certain miracle plane landed in the Hudson due west of our apartment. Then they hovered because Bernie Madoff was sentenced in court exactly due east. And 3 weeks ago, they hovered because the Obama's were going on a date. Funny, I was on a date too, but couldn't focus because of the sniper hanging out of the helicopter.

4-Now that JT and Jessica live in the hood, I assume we'll be seeing more than the usual annoying paparazzi. Fine, we see celebs at Whole Foods, at Pizza stands and in the park but seriously paparazzi, let them be. This way, you'll be letting me be too.

5-New York kids are weird. I grew up having lemonade stands that consisted of me buying crappy lemonade and selling it for 5 cents a cup on my front lawn. If I made 3 dollars, I was psyched. New York kids also set up lemonade stands. Not in their front lawn because they all grow up in apartments. These kids stand outside of Whole Foods and charge a dollar for a cup of crappy lemonade, $5 for a french pastry, and $10 dollars for a violin solo. Huh?

You never cease to shock and amaze me. Maybe you can give me a break and make this a chill summer. I really need one. Thanks New York. I appreciate it.

xo,

Alexis

My little big boy...

My gym, Equinox, has a kids club. This means that for a small fee I can have 3 or 4 women play with my baby for 2 hours while I exercise-off my last 20 10 pounds. I've known about this feature for months now, but since Oliver is so attached to me I dreaded leaving him with anyone else for fear he would go bonkers. Instead I've been speed walking the West Side Highway and the Brooklyn Bridge with Oliver in his stroller. Needless to say, this hasn't done the job and my skinny jeans are mocking me.

I decided it's time to get serious. And serious means the gym. And the gym means the kids club. And the kids club means Oliver could go bonkers.

The next morning, I woke up and immediately threw on my gym clothes so I would have no excuses. After Oliver's 9am nap, we headed over and I got the scoop. No sick kids, no kids under 3 months, and no diaper changes. If there's a code brown, they give you a pager and beep you so that you can do the honors.

Easy enough. I unstrap Oliver from the stroller and his eyes bug out of his face when he sees all the kids playing and all the toys on the floor. He's clearly psyched.

I sit him down on the floor and the women say "Okay!"

I look at them and say "Okay."

They look at me and and say "Okay?"

I look at them and say "O-Okay..."

They look at me, reach out a hand to my shoulder and say, "It will be okay."

I look at them and say "Okay."

I turn and leave quickly because I'm mortified it is not Oliver going bonkers, it's me.

PATHETIC!

See, it wasn't that Oliver wasn't crying that in turn made me cry. It was that this was such a big boy thing to do. He was so mature! So adult like!

Of course, as I write this, he's crying in his room because he does not want to nap. What a baby.

Weekend at the Park

After a long work week, it's no surprise that Daddys run to the park on Saturdays and Sundays with their children to catch up on missed fun. And Mommys run to the salons to get manicured and highlighted.

Daddys get down and dirty in the grass and mud. They ride in the choo-choo and dig holes to China in the sandbox. Hells bells, they even hoist baby onto their shoulders so the highest branches can be reached.

There is nothing Daddys won't do for their offspring.

I think it's all pretty sweet.

I also think it's amazing. Physically amazing. You see, most of these Daddys happen to be in their mid-50's. I've not the faintest idea how they toss and flip and bend and jump over and over at their toddler's whim! They certainly don't look like they're in shape. They're overweight, gray-haired wine drinkers, yet they give little Johnny the best horsey ride of his life.

We are lucky we live in a time where medically speaking miracles are possible. I am 100% in favor of however and whenever you want to have a family.

The takeaway from this is not that these men are fathering children in their 50s, but rather that these daddy's are fully engaged despite their age.

Keep rockin' it Da-Da.

I'm back!

Sometimes we need to stop and smell the flowers.

And well, that's exactly what I've been doing. A co-worker turned friend told me that kids grow up so fast that if you don't stop and enjoy it, you might miss it. She said she almost missed it with her second and fully got to enjoy it with her third.

Well, that's what I've been doing. And frankly, this has been the best time of my entire life.

At 8 months old, Oliver has grown leaps and bounds. He is inch-worming across the floor, babbling his brains out and this past Sunday he figured out how to get himself into a sitting position. I know it sounds cheesy, but watching a baby grow up is nothing short of a miracle.

I love him so much I miss him when he naps.

Blah, blah, blah you say. Everyone who has a baby feels the same way... Well, I realize this.

When I see other Mama's in the park ooo-ing and ahh-ing over their baby's every move, half of me gets annoyed because Oliver is so obviously the best child in the park, but the other half knows I'm sharing this precious time with a world of women who are all rich in pearls of wisdom.

So, in the name of women, I say keep on raising those kiddies and gushing. And enjoy watching them flowers grow.

TGIF!

Well, it has been a slow/fast week for me. I mean slow because I left my brain in St. Thomas. I mean fast because besides bumping into Jennifer Connelly at Whole Foods time passed me by this week. I got very little done and yet I am exhausted.

It sounds insane but Oliver is holding a major grudge against Brett and I for leaving the beach and coming back to NYC. Oliver, usually a fabulous sleeper, decided to fully wake up at 4 am and scream straight through until 7am. Nothing was wrong with him at all. I checked. He was dry, he wasn't hungry, he wasn't teething, he just wanted to play. We, seeing as it was 4 in the morning, just wanted to sleep. We are believers in Ferberization, so I had to grab my pillow and blanket and sleep on the couch because my heart can't bear the crying. And that's the story behind the scoreboard.

Doublebanker: You win my contest. Not only were you funny, but you were also the first to respond. I appreciate the support! You rock!

Nicole: Totally possible. In fact, I think Oliver wants to crawl so badly that when he realizes he can't he gets truly frustrated. Once he gets going we're in big trouble!

Porkstar- though your funny, you're sick.

Mom- I can't wait to see you next week!

So without a moment further, here is the week in review.
Please agree with me comment away.


1- Bernie Madoff: I want to be clear. This guy is a complete crook and should rot in jail for robbing people blind. But I do not understand why sooooo many intelligent people put every cent of theirs in one place. Haven't they heard the term diversify? Have they ever heard of banks? Bonds? When investing in the market, you're supposed to be aggressive when you're young, and grow conservative over the years. I hate Madoff for ripping off so many older people who were convinced they didn't know better when they really did. I also hate him because he ruined my morning walk yesterday because my neighborhood was filled with helicopters from every news station, reporters asking passerby's their thoughts, and angry victims waiting for the judges sentence.

2- Rhianna and her beater boyfriend: I don't know how else to say this, so pardon my french. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE SHE WENT BACK TO HIM. Yes, they are both kids. (He's 19 and she's 21.) But I swear if any guy I ever dated laid a hand on me, not only would he be less two balls but I would never EVER go back to him. What's just as pathetic is there is a poll out saying many female high school students think RiRi deserved to be beat up because she probably said something to set him off. WTF! Where are her friends, managers and family telling her NO NO NO? Memo to Mama's: Teach your daughters to have self-esteem.

3-The Best Revenge: Melissa did a fabulous job stepping in for Nancy O'Dell on Dancing with the Stars. What's his name and big-eyed Molly are soooo green with envy. Though I'm not sure what Melissa will do after hanging out with a bunch of d-listers, at least she looks fantastic and feels better after such a public humiliation. I hope she wins.

4-Fun Fact: This is the second month in a row that we have a Friday the 13th!

Have a wonderful weekend!
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Scoreboard competition...

Think you're funny? Prove it.

1: Come up with a hilarious story explaining the picture above.
2: Post it in the comments section below.

You could win a million dollars the satisfaction
of being the funniest person in the blogosphere.

I wish I had something to giveaway, but mainly,
I'm looking to laugh my ass off.

I'll announce the winner and their winning caption
next Tuesday with a shout out to their blog.

Don't be shy!

And we're back...

It never ceases to amaze me how much your ass life changes when you have a baby. In fact, there really isn't a single aspect of life that remains the same. Sure, you still shower, sleep, watch television, talk to friends and take vacations but how you accomplish these things changes entirely.

For example, I shower in 4 minutes flat, sleep with one eye open, watch television on fast forward and talk to friends after 8 pm. But these things pale in comparison to how much our vacations have changed.

Previous vacations had revelry sounding around 11am give or take an hour. Not anymore. This vacation, we rose at 7am as we have every day for the past 5 months.

Brett and I used to bake in the sun from noon to 2pm. This vacation we hung out in our suite playing scrabble while Oliver napped from noon to 2pm.

Usually I swim all day in peaceful solitude in the ocean. This time, I hung out with other moms at the kiddie pool in knee-high water dishing diaper stores.

Brett and I have taken some spectacular vacations. And despite the dramatic changes in our lives, it was the best vacation I've ever taken. I laughed out loud seeing Oliver in his sunglasses and bathing suit and I cherished introducing him to the sand and water.

I can't wait until our next one!

See you in 7

I'm leaving the mainland and going on blogcation.

While in the sun I plan on getting persepective, gaining inspiration and chugging a few thousand daiquiris taking Oliver swimming in the ocean.

Have a fabulous week and I can't wait to reconnect with all my bloggy friends next week!

Besos,

-Mama S'mores

And now...

And without wasting another minute, let's delve right into this week's juiciness! 

Remember to comment!  If you don't take part in the conversation, you're not allowed to have an opinion.

1: Heath Ledger's Oscar win: Did you see Batman? I did. Heath's performance was so far above and beyond any of my expectations. It was genius. I cried my eyes out when his family accepted the Oscar on behalf of Matilda. My heart weeps for his baby when she realizes how he overdosed and threw his life away amazingly talented and loved her daddy was.

2: Obama addresses congress:  Less than halfway through his first 100 days in office Obama hosted a non-official state of the union. Wowsah does this President have kahoonahs made of steal  guts! I don't think anyone else but Obama could deliver such shitty news in a more positive way. I wish I had his gift. I kept wondering through the entire address how Georgie-poo must have felt watching from his living room in the state you couldn't pay me to live in  Texas. Everytime Obama emphasized how irresponsible and glutenous the previous government had acted do you think Georgie-poo felt any pangs of vomit guilt? He should. After all, he did break the world have a just a bit to do with where we are now.

3: Octo-mom: I am seriously so sick of hearing about this woman I can hardly believe I'm giving her a place in this list. The bright side to this story is that the hospital is now deciding whether or not they can ethically allow Whacko Nadia to bring home all the babies. She must be able to prove she can care for them in addition to her other 6 children. After seeing how she keeps her pig sty home that could very well be impossible. It's laughable she has refused network interviews yet accepts a sit down with fake doctor for psychos Dr. Phil. Can we just stop giving her attention? I promise this is the last time I mention her.

4: Slumdog Kids:  Those adorable kids from the movie Slumdog Millionaire were handpicked from the slums of India by director Danny Boyle to play childhood versions of the movie's main characters. During the 30 days they shot their part for the movie they received a small daily stipend for their services. Well, yesterday the kiddies returned to India and were received by thousands of slumdogs as national heros. Danny Boyle and the Indian government have jointly financed the kiddies education at an exclusive private school. And when they turn 18 they will have access to a trust fund that Boyle has set up on their behalf.  That's such exploitation great. Very after the fact noble. I can't decide if it's because the film has brought in over $100 million I'm not even including potential DVD and soundtrack sales  or because it won the Oscar for best picture that made Boyle so generous. If Millionaire didn't win would Boyle have let those kids return to the slum? Did he not learn anything after shooting there? Sure it's nice that they'll now have an education, but how about health care, allowance and a year-long trip to Disney World for them and their famlies to go along with it?

5: The National Defishit: Umm. Need I say more? Just how many zero's is in a trillion? TGIFF.  

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Slow down, you move to fast...

When planning to have kids, there's a ton of things people tell you: being pregnant is fun, giving birth blows, and when you see you're baby for the first time you'll fall in love harder than you ever thought possible.

There's also a ton of things people don't tell you. Well, I'm not going to spoil the fun for all you parents-to-be out there, but I will share with you the one word that has forced me to reconsider my entire life and the way I conduct it. Epidural. Patience.

You see, I am not a patient person by nature not by a long shot.

I've been in advertising for ten years which is a lick-ity split, chop-chop, make-it-happen industry. I've split my adult years living in Chicago and New York which are hardly epicenters for zen-minded people. When I want food, I get it delivered in 10 minutes. When I want to watch a movie, I order it On-Demand. When I want to shop, I walk 5 minutes to Soho or I log onto shopbop.com. There is simply no reason to be patient. 

Patience, according to Webster's online Dictionary means:  bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint.

Since having Oliver, I've realized patience is the single most important quality a parent can have and also the single hardest quality to maintain. I'm not just talking patience when your baby has colic. That's cake.

I'm talking patience when you have the flu and you have to get up at 3am to comfort your teething baby despite your head ready to explode from snot. 

I'm talking patience when putting together crazy toys like exe-saucers and jumpers with all the buttons, batteries, straps and springs. 

I'm talking patience while in the grocery store checkout line and your baby decides to leave you a smelly, little treasure in his diaper. 

I'm talking patience when getting peed on right before you're about to go out for the night. 

I'm talking patience with every person and their mother who has an opinion on everything you do. 

I've gotten loads better than I used to be which isn't hard considering I had none to begin with. Today, I make dinner and marinate chicken over night. I let people pass me while walking down the street. And, after asking people how they're doing, I actually listen to the answer. I just don't see the point always being in such a hurry. 

I've got a few precious years with Oliver and I figure it's more than okay to simply take my time.  

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Thank you Oliver for teaching me the true meaning of patience. If it wasn't for you, life could have, and probably would have, passed me by.

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Dreaming of dreaming...

This isn't going to be my best posting.  

My brain hurts, my body is weak and I'm starving because I was too tired to cook dinner.

You see last night, if you lived in the apartment next door to us, you would have wanted to kick our asses had real sympathy for Brett and me.

In short, at barely 5 months, Oliver is sprouting teeth.  

And, to make a painful situation even worse, he's getting both bottom-front teeth at the same time. The right one broke the gum line last Friday, and the left one began to rear its ugly head on Sunday morning. I always knew he is the best, cutest, sweetest and smartest baby in the entire solar system is an over-achiever but this is crazy!

Unfortunately for Brett and I, teething means we're back to sleepless nights. This is particularly bad news for me because I require 9 hours of sleep a night to  have clear skin function as a polite and decent member of society. If I'm sleep deprived I can keep it together for Oliver, but I can't promise if you bump into me on the street I'll be civil. I might even curse you out. But it's really not my fault so I apologize in advance.

There isn't much we can do beyond the teething rings, washcloths in the freezer, and using our own knuckles as chew toys. I'm hoping it's a fast process. As is the random asshole who bumps into me on the street.

I'd like to give a special shout out to Jill at Scary Mommy who suggested I try mini-frozen bagels to help soothe my little man. She has a fantastic blog that I look forward to reading every day!

Have picture, will travel...

I accidentally let my Passport expire last May.

It was the worst timing because I was 5 months pregnant with Oliver when I realized. The last thing I wanted was to have a fat-faced pregnant picture prove my citizenship for the next ten years, so I waited. I waited 8 months. My face only got more beautiful fatter the last 4 months of pregnancy and I had to wait at least 4 months to once again see my chin and cheekbones.

Now that the bloat finally disappeared and more importantly now that we're going to St. Thomas next Monday, I really needed to renew my passport. I blew out my hair, put on some lip gloss and dressed in a solid colored, v-neck top. Suddenly I was yearbook picture ready. On my way there I called my mom surprise, surprise. She asked if I was getting Oliver a passport picture too. Well hello! I completely forgot about Oliver! Luckily, he's a natural beauty and wouldn't need a blow-out or gloss to look fabulous. I was also lucky that he was in a smiley mood.

At the picture place, I went first. After eight a few tries I had eeeeked out a passable picture. Then it was Oliver's turn. I don't know what happened, but as soon as he took one look at the photographer his smiley-ness went right out the window. He was a sketchy man and babies can definitely sense sketchy people. Anyway, we got the picture. Not his best by a long shot, but it will have to do. I figure it'll provide good entertainment when I show it to his fiance when he's older and we can all get a good laugh:

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Looking good, or not...

To know me is to know how much I love movies. Even though Godfather, Amelie, Airplane and Annie Hall are my all time favorites, I can literally watch any movie a million times over. I love the actors, the plots, the sets. I love Brad Pitt the magic.

The Oscars is a show I look forward to every year because I have accurately predicted the winner in most categories for several years now. But, this year is different. I'm a new mom. And as a new mom, I haven't seen a single Oscar nominated film. New moms don't have time to go to the movies. New moms watch old movies on HBO, Showtime and Bravo.

But this doesn't mean I can't take part in the red carpet, pre-show activities. Here's my wrap-up of the 5 people who I thought rocked the fashion world and the 5 people who should be ashamed of themselves.

We'll start off with the worst dressed because I think I should end all my blogs with positivity:

PLEASE HIRE A STYLIST:

1- Vanessa Hudgens. That mermaid dress made her look like a bitch witch and not all that fashion-saavy. Her loser boyfriend could have used a haircut too.

2- Anne Hathaway. I don't know if she's a vampire what it is about her but she scares me. She's so freakishly pale. If she's allergic to sunlight Vitamin D can't she get a spray tan or something?

3- Mickey Rourke. Seriously? Are you trying to ruin your life again? I don't care how awesomely you might have "acted" in your movie that I'll never pay to see, I hate you.

4- Philip Seymor Hoffman. Is he trying to steal "worst dressed" from Mickey?

5- Miley Cyrus. I'm so sad for her. She's such a cute girl who means well, but she accidentally dressed up like a disco ball.

Honorable Mention for Tackiness:

ABC Network: Really? You had to cut to a shot of Brad and Angie while Jen was presenting? And twice? Double Tacky. Shame on you.

YOU'RE PERFECT:

1- Heidi Klum. Her jewelry alone had me drooling like my babe Oliver. He's getting his first tooth so let me tell you, that's a lot of drool.

2-Robert Downey Jr. I never, ever, ever thought I'd say this, but he looked mighty handsome.

3- Natalie Portman. She's just so fresh and lovely.

4- Angelina. Breathtaking. It's very possible, however, that it's all downhill for her after last night. I mean, she had to have "peaked" last night because a human can't get much more gorgeous than that. For most of us mere mortals, "peaking" happens in high school or college. At least Angie hit her peak working the red carpet, hoping for an Oscar, mothering 14 6 children all while being married to Brad Pitt and in fabulous earrings. I can't wait to see how ugly she's going to get.

5-Kate Winslet. Wonderful, eloquent and elegant.

Honorable Mentions:

Marissa Tomei: Loved the dress, but didn't think the overall picture was enough to crack my top 5.

Thoughts? Did I miss anyone?

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And now...

Last week's "Week in Review" was a hit! Thank you to everyone who chimed in the discussion! I loved hearing your thoughts, even if you disagreed with me, and if there's anything I missed let me know.

This week proved to be no slacker in terms of hot topics so lets get bitching started!

#1 Travis the Chimpanzee:
In case you haven't heard, the famous chimp from the Old Navy commercials attacked a woman in Connecticut. She is currently listed in critical condition having suffered life-altering injuries. Travis's owner raised the monkey like her own child and was completely devastated by what occurred. While I don't doubt her sincerity and feelings of remorse, anyone can see just how truly insane heartbroken she is, I do seriously doubt her judgment on many levels. First of all, who has a chimp for a pet? Isn't that against some kind of law? Monkeys are wild animals. Key word being "wild." Second, the chimp had recently contracted Lyme disease and the owner decided to treat the monkey by putting a Xanax in his morning tea. Sure, giving your monkey the Xanax prescribed for you is totally bizarro, but I find it hilarious that the Chimp drinks morning tea! What is he, British? Apparently 5 minutes after he drank the roofied-tea he went insane. Go figure. It is also weird to me that her neighbors never called the authorities. If a 200-pound monkey who can drive a car lived next to me I promise you I would phone it in. Okay, so Travis could draw his own bath and even pick out his own clothes. I'm sure I could train a giraffe brush my hair, but you don't see me raising one in my apartment. If I want to see a wild animal, I'll go to the zoo thank you very much.

#2 Facebook's Policy Change:
Even if George Bush doesn't listen to the people, at least we know Facebook does. The Today Show, The View and ABC World News Tonight all reported on Facebook's policy change. And, thousands of people responded by petitioning online and canceling their accounts not me, I have over 500 friends. Well, the next morning, Facebook cracked under the pressure. Elizabeth Hasselbarf took personal credit for the change in policy. She's so delusional. Good job peeps! Way to band together! But the sorry truth is, if you post anything on Facebook, I promise you it will never be "private." Come on, the internet has been around for over a decade. If you think Facebook's policy reversal protects your photos, status updates, wall postings and info, you really shouldn't be allowed near a computer.

#3 Flight 3407 to Buffalo:
There are so many heartbreaking aspects to this story: the timing being so soon after the Hudson miracle landing, the 50 lost souls, the home that was destroyed... but to me the most heartbreaking thing was what the NTSB found during their search to find out why, why, why this happened. The authorities blamed the pilot's lack of both judgment and experience. This may be true but it makes me cry for not just the pilot's legacy, I certainly don't want "incompetence" written on my tombstone, but also for his family who is mourning him. Don't you think the pilot did absolutely everything in his power to save the lives of everyone on board including his own? Unfortunately the weather, the plane and other circumstances outwitted him. I pray someone mentions the good he did during his lifetime instead of solely focusing on the fatal mistake he made during the last minute of his life. He was after all, human.

#4 The Post's Cartoon:
On Wednesday the Post ran a cartoon where two policemen gun down a chimpanzee. The caption read "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus plan." People were outraged because they found it racist. Umm well duh...people reacted that way because it was truly as racist as it gets! I stand in agreement with the protesters outside the Post's headquarters. In fact, I'd be standing in line with them if I didn't have a 4 month old at home to watch. How on Earth could the Post run such an obscene cartoon! Memo to the Post: You're just as bad as Fox news, maybe worse.

#5 Oliver's First Tooth:
I see my babe's first tooth! It is currently at the gum line and while it could take days or weeks for it to become a full fledged tooth, I'm just so giddy to see it! I want to put my baby in a shoebox and keep him teeny forever. He's already growing up too fast! As far as I'm concerned, this is the most important news story of them all!

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Dreaming in chocolate...

While my parents were visiting last week they so nicely brought countless, classic candy bars from their hotel and gave them to Brett and I to help us bulk up our sorry stash of junk food. While this doesn't help me lose my last ten pounds of pregnancy weight, it will help me quench the pangs of a hard-core chocolate craving.

Brett was traveling last night and I felt an incredible urge to crack into some form, any form, of chocolate. And because of my parents, I had so many fun choices...Charleston Chew, Skor, Clark Bar...and that's when I saw it...Sky Bar.

I actually had never seen one before. It's by Necco...the same company that makes those god awful Necco Wafers. For all you Sky Bar novices, it is a 4-piece candy bar. And, each piece has it's own flavor...Carmel, Vanilla, Peanut and Fudge. I'm happy to report it's amazing! Now that I'm hooked, where am I going to find another! It's not like they sell them at Duane Reade!

It's very rare I sit down and actually eat a whole candy bar. Very, very rare. In fact, I don't even remember the last time I bought a candy bar. There's truly nothing out there that actually appeals to me. Anytime I buy candy, I buy the bite-size bag and stash the whole bag in my freezer because chocolate tastes best when it's ice cold. Especially a Snickers.

They do not make candy like they used to. The sugar candies used to come in beautiful tin containers, Sugar Daddy Pops took hours to finish, and Fruit Stripe Gum bursted with flavor! Remember the bubble gum cigars and gum cigarettes? First you'd puff the powder off and then you'd chew the gum. What fun we had pretending to smoke! Can you imagine kids eating those today? No chance of that happening.

I can't wait to take Oliver to the candy store. I wonder if he'll be a sugar person or a chocolate person. In the meantime, if anyone knows where to find Sky Bars, let me know. Brett's traveling next week and I have a feeling I'm going to have a craving!

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Gotta love mornings...

Sunday, we woke up to find Oliver perpendicular in his crib.
Apparently this is his new favorite position.

We think he's practicing "standing."

On Monday, we woke up to find Oliver cracking up.

What is it that's making him laugh so darn hysterically?
We have not a clue.

On Tuesday morning he was sleeping like this.
How is this comfortable?


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My cleaning lady Francesca...

My cleaning lady has gotten a little too comfortable.

A of all: She moved her start time from 7:30AM to 8:30AM. Fine. I let that go because it actually gives me an extra hour in the morning to chill out with my babe.

B of all: After she takes off her shoes and coat, instead of grabbing the mop and broom she runs right over to Oliver and coos with him. I let this go too because I thought it was sweet. But as of late 2 minutes of cooing became 5 minutes. Then 5 minutes became 10 minutes. And last week, I kid you not, she cooed for a half an hour all the while telling me how she wanted to have kids of her own but her body would not let her, how she's now too old, how her husband was just laid off, how her mother is dying back in Mexico, and how if she had a baby she wouldn't be so stressed out and...I'm sorry but TMI. (mom: that means Too Much Information.) I'm thinking to myself, "Francesca, I'm so sorry for your stresses but really, you're my cleaning lady. I've got a handle on my baby. What I don't have a handle on is my kitchen floor. So maybe now's a good time to grab that Soft Scrub."

C of all: She asked me if she could borrow a shirt of mine to clean in. Apparently she brought her cleaning shirt home the week before and forgot to bring it back. My mother is going to die when she hears I actually lent her one. I couldn't have her cleaning my apartment in the huge turtleneck sweater she wore, right?

D of all: I put Oliver down for his morning nap and was excited to use the half-hour to catch up with my girl Martha Stewart. (I know she's dry and condescending as all hell, but I've taken a real liking to her.) During this time Francesca cleans out my refrigerator. She hollers from the kitchen that my milk is bad. "Fine," I yell back, "throw it out." Then she hollers that my bananas are rotten. "Fine," I yell back, "throw them out." Do I really need to "approve" everything? If the bananas are black, toss'em!

E of all: Seeing as it was almost 60 degrees out, I threw Oliver in the stroller and off we went to the park. I didn't want him to be breathing in the fumes once Francesca got going on the bathroom. She doesn't usually leave until around 2, but when we came in the door at 12:30, there was Francesca putting her shoes on. Huh? I was a little shocked and clearly so was she. She hurriedly said goodbye and was out the door.

After a moment it hit me.

She just walked out of here wearing my old crappy shirt, carrying a jug of milk in her right hand and holding a few bananas in her left!

It's come to the end of the line for Francesca.

Stupid stupid purchase...

I really love to cook. And, the past six months I've taken it to a new level. Every Sunday morning while doing laundry I pour over my cookbooks and decide the week's menu. I make my grocery list accordingly and then skip joyfully to the store, eager to squeeze and smell all the potential vegetables, fruits and and meats. (No, I don't squeeze the meats.)

Well, Oliver is now 4.5 months old. And this past week, I've noticed whenever I eat or drink anything he stares at me with huge and curious eyes. It's almost like he's saying, "Heeeey Mama...Gimme some eggs! Hand me some chicken! Toss me some carrots!" In fact, he looks at me so longingly that I've started to feel badly eating in front of him. So, last Thursday I asked Oliver's pediatrician if I could give him some food. He's clearly showing an interest and let's face it, the taste of milk 24/7 has got to be getting old by now. In a word, he told me no. Apparently a baby shouldn't eat solids until they're 6 months old because their digestive system just isn't ready yet. He told me the longer I waited, the healthier his gut would be. Okay. Fine. I can totally wait.

But that doesn't mean I can't prepare.

This past weekend, Brett, Oliver and I went to look at high chairs. We're now deciding between the Stokke Tripp Trap and the Svan High Chair. Both chairs are modern looking and can be pulled up to the dinner table so we can eat as a family. After high chairs I browsed for sippy cups and baby spoons. And that's when I spotted a cookbook called Top 100 Baby Purees. Well, I thought, this is a fantastic idea! I'll totally make Oliver's food. How hard could it be? I must get this book!

Well, I'm pissed.

Once again, I feel like the marketers of the baby universe have convinced me to buy yet another totally stupid and unnecessary item. (Don't get me started on the organic mattress I bought for Oliver's crib. It weights 5000 lbs and has become the biggest pain in the ass I've ever dealt with in my life.)

I actually spent money on a cookbook that has recipes like this:



Banana:
Mash a small banana with a fork.
Add a little milk.





Avacado:
Cut a small avocado in half.
Take out pit.
Mash.
Add a little milk.




Papaya:
Cut in half.
Take out seeds.
Mash.
Add Milk.

The kicker was this one:

Banana, Avacado and Papaya:
1/2 banana
1/2 Avacado
1/2 Papaya
Mash all together.
Add a little milk.

REALLY??? Fine. Those are the no-cook recipes...but the carrot one is basically the same thing:



Carrots:
Peel and chop 4-6 carrots.
Steam for 15-20 minutes.
Put in blender and puree.
Add a little milk to desired consistency.




To be fair, those are baby's first foods. So obvioulsy I'm not adding spices like basil or rosemary or doing anything crazy. These recipes WILL probably taste better and be more economical than the mushy bland crap baby food sold at grocery stores. But really? Someone wrote and published a cookbook with those recipes? Can someone please get me the number of Random House? I'd like to publish a book on how to change a diaper. I see it going something like this:



Diaper:
1- Put baby on changing table.
2- Take old diaper off.
3- Wipe baby's behind.
4- Put on new diaper.




I may have to wait a month and a half to prove my culinary prowess to Oliver, but in the meantime, I'm going to continue practicing my brownie recipe on Brett and myself.

The cookbook's getting returned today.


Make my Monday!
Leave me a comment!

The Week in Review 001

So, just like Oprah, I'm going to have "The Week in Review Fridays." This will consist of me telling you my opinions on this weeks headlines. Right about now my mother is thinking, "Oh no. Heeeeere we go." And you know what? She's right. So let's get going.

#1- The Michael Phelps Apology:

I'm sorry but if I have to hear this poor guy apologize for partying it up just one more time I'm going to personally send him a six pack of Bud. He just got done representing America on the world's stage with grace and integrity. God forbid he scratch an itch and try what most 15 year olds do every weekend in high school! Phelps never had time for a girlfriend, probably never went to his prom, and for sure never crashed a college kegger. I think the guy is entitled to a little debauchery. And now Kelloggs revokes his sponsorship? What a load of hypocritical bullshit. Hey Kelloggs, did you take away Michael Jordan's sponsorship when he cheated on his wife or got in trouble with his little gambling habit? The true ass hole in this situation is the guy who had the chance to party with Phelps and then turned around and sold him out by selling those pics to the tabloids.

#2- The insane Nadya Suleman:

Okay. Normally I don't give a hoot about what people do with their own bodies. It's quite frankly none of my business. But this...this...this is the most sick woman I've ever seen. Delusional doesn't even cut it. DCFS, really, please knock on her door and take those kids to homes where they can be raised by sane people. I know so many people who want children who are responsible, loving and selfless adults. It breaks my heart that this woman is fulfilling her own weird fetish rather than thinking of what's best for the poor kids she just birthed. And now she is looking for endorsements from companies and donations from the public? She thinks she's going to be the next John and Kate + 8! Have you seen her website? Don't get me started on the taxpayers of California having to foot the bill for her!

Memo to Crazywoman: Dogs have 8 puppies at a time, not humans.

#3- The Stimulus Package:

I can't imagine a more shitacious job in the world right now than being President of the United States. Don't get me wrong, I'm psyched Obama is in office, but I do hope people understand that he's trying to fix some pretty huge problems and cut him a little slack. Already he's done more in a month than Bush did his entire presidency. The problem is congress doesn't understand economics and all the economists are corrupt. So who is supposed to really fix this mess? Oy. Its gonna be a while until things are back to normal.

I'm gonna go make cookies.


Comment away! I'd love to know your thoughts!

Confession...

I'm a baby. 

And never has it been more obvious that I need to grow up than when my parents came to visit this week from Chicago. 

You see, I have the worlds best parents. They are the most loving, the most hilarious, the most generous and the most thoughtful people in the world. And besides Brett, they know me better than anyone in this whole world.

I began counting down the minutes to their arrival from the second they told me they were visiting. It was nothing short of heaven watching my dad make Oliver laugh in ways I've never seen before. He must have boinked himself on the head with the newspaper 300+ times because with every boink Oliver burst into an endless fit of giggles. And, at Whole Foods, he made every squash, banana and carrot into a new and exciting friend for Oliver to meet. 

My mom was no slacker in the grandparent department either. She crawled on the floor, danced around the apartment, gave endless kisses and read Oliver every book in the apartment. My favorite was when Oliver watched her drink her coffee. He was so interested! 

Let's just say, they've got the grandparent gig down perfectly.

Here's the thing... while I was so obviously excited for my parents to see how much Oliver has grown, I actually secretly couldn't wait to see them for my own selfish reasons. 

I desperately wanted a giant bear hug from my dad and to have my mom play with my hair. 

I fully realize this sounds crazy because:

1) I'm 30-something years old.

2) I'm a wife.

3) I'm four months into being a mom myself.

But you see, that's just the plain old truth. I just couldn't wait to see my mommy and daddy. 

In fact my favorite time of the whole visit was after we put Oliver to sleep and I got to hang out in my apartment with them. You know why? Because I became the baby again.  

They left yesterday. And yes, I cried, like...well, a baby. I really pray I can be the kind of mama to Oliver that my parents have always been to me.

I know...I've clearly got some growing up to do.